Pals
by Lily in a Pond
Summary: Five years after Hogwarts, a new era of friendship begins when Hermione runs out on her wedding and finds Harry, Ron, Ginny, Luna, and Draco in the Leaky Cauldron. Loosely based on the TV sitcom, Friends.
1. The One Where Everything's Different

Pals - The One Where Everything's Different

By Lily in a Pond

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from the show 'Friends', and I don't own anything from Harry Potter.

Summary: Five years after graduating from Hogwarts, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Luna Lovegood, and Draco Malfoy all meet up again in London. A truly magical version of the hit sitcom 'Friends', starring Harry as Chandler, Ron as Ross, Ginny as Monica, Hermione as Rachel, and Draco as Joey. (What? I really like his character! For both! Also, there's the cliché 'Draco is a _Sex God_ and all that'. See the parallel?)

A/N – I got this idea to write a Harry Potter version of Friends when I was watching the pilot of Friends the other day. Hope you like it!

Anyways, this story follows the Friends storyline, which means this'll have the ships Harry/Ginny, Ron/Hermione, Luna/OC, and Draco/OC. A _lot_ of different Draco/OC. By the way, this story's dialogue has practically nothing to do with the general jokes of Friends except for a few things. But most of the stuff in here is of my own creation, this isn't just a copy of the script with the names changed.

OoOoOoO

Harry looked up from the Daily Prophet and tilted his head. "I've just realized something……………………..why do we all still hang out at the Leaky Cauldron when we know Madam Rosmerta opened up a new shop three doors down?

Draco sipped his Butterbeer delicately. "Because, Scarface, we also know that the Three Broomsticks allows restraining orders. And unless you want me to get kissed to death by Pansy, we'll all kindly stay here and drink our Butterbeers and read our magazines, thank you very much."

"Well, you certainly qualify, because if I'm not very much mistaken, you're looking at porn," Ginny retorted.

Draco threw his hands up. "Playwizard _is_ a legitimate magazine!"

Luna blew a loud raspberry and everyone looked at her curiously. "I wouldn't be so certain of that, Draco. Daddy told me that the owner of Playwizard never signed a contract and instead spent his day humping doxies."

Harry choked on his coffee. "Pardon?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "I want to believe you, Luna, but……………………..oh, come on, who cares if it's illegal porn? It's PORN!"

"You know, I still don't understand why you have to keep on looking at porn. You get to shag someone every day!" Harry exclaimed, waving his arms rather dangerously in the air. "Me……………………………..well, I can't say that I'm satisfied with my dosages of estrogen."

Ginny giggled. "When did you become so funny, Harry? Back at Hogwarts, all I could remember was Harry's mad at this, Harry's mad at that, blah blah blah blah blah blah _blah!"_ She mimed vomiting on the last few 'blahs'.

"I guess it was somewhere after school that I finally accepted that Voldemort was gone forever, and that I shouldn't have really anything to fear about life," Harry mused, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "In short, I discovered my comical side around the same time when Draco decided to be a coward and go to the winning side."

Draco flashed them a toothy grin. "A Slytherin's natural instincts are to survive, no matter what."

"You handed in five Death Eaters in return for your squeaky clean good image!" Ginny snapped.

"Correction, I handed in Crabbe, Goyle, Pettigrew, Nott, and Baddock," Draco said. "So, technically, I only handed in two Death Eaters."

Harry snorted.

"But what I still can't believe is that right after switching sides, you and Harry became good friends," Luna said. "Even more unbelievable is that you too are rooming together!"

"Hey, I 'm not proud of it," Draco said, holding up his hands in defeat, "Seeing Potter in his birthday suit is not something you normally expect in the morning."

Ginny looked Harry up and down. "Hmm…………………………….maybe I should pop in tomorrow morning."

Harry winked at Ginny. "I'll make sure to work out a bit before."

Ginny scooted a little closer and ran her fingers up and down Harry's arm. "Yes……………maybe I should exercise too and wear my tight running pants and jogging bra."

Harry smirked devilishly. "I would really like that."

"Are they still pretending?" Luna whispered to Draco. Draco snorted quietly.

"Nah, Potter couldn't get Weaslette if he put an Engorgement Charm on himself," he scoffed.

Luna directed her gaze to Harry's trousers. "Make that an extra-strong Engorgement Charm."

"Oh, look, Ron's here!" Draco exclaimed, waving at him and interrupting the fake hitting on that Harry and Ginny were initiating. "Maybe he'll cheer us up with more stories of how his bimbo-y ex-girlfriend dumped him for another _woman_."

"I really can't believe that Danielle is a lesbian, I mean, with her looks, she could make a fortune in Las Vegas!" Ginny said excitedly.

"Yeah………..but did Danielle really have to get together with Lavender Brown?" Draco said, scrunching up his nose. "I mean, when a guy's two ex-girlfriends get together and become lesbians, it really says something about the guy, doesn't it?"

Luna shook her head. "Oh, come on, it wasn't Ron's fault. Danielle didn't know she was a lesbian, how could've Ron known?"

"A clue might be when you find that your girlfriend also enjoys flipping through your Playwizard," Draco sniggered. "Can't believe Ron didn't see through the whole 'Wow, she's got a nice rack, maybe I should get mine done, too' excuse."

Ron looked down at his black cloak and sighed deeply. _"Hi." _

"Wotcher, Ron!" Luna said cheerily. "Cookie? Muffin? Biscuit? Pasty? Cake?"

Ron shook his head. "No thanks, Luna. I feel like someone's hit me with Crucio ten times in a row and stabbed me repeatedly until I'm bleeding so profusely the ground is covered with red pools of my own worthless blood, trickling down to the pipe system, and beginning the start of my afterlife."

Harry shook his head and said, tactlessly, "That feeling's much worse than what you're feeling right now. Take it from a primary source." Ron glared at Harry. "Oh, right, sorry."

"I just can't believe that Danielle was a lesbian. A lesbian," Ron repeated over and over again. "A lesbian."

Ginny patted his shoulder. "Come on Ron, pull yourself together. Get that famous Keeping spirit back into that body! Bounce back from the Bludger! Save the goal! Win that victory for the Lions and squash those slimy snakes! Sorry, Draco," she added in an undertone. Draco grunted in reply. It was evident that he was annoyed.

Ron nodded slowly. "I suppose you're right." His face darkened after a few seconds of silence. "She was a lesbian, a _lesbian_, I tell you!"

"That's it," Draco growled. He stood over to Tom Jr., Tom the Toothless Bartender's son. "One Calming Drought, please." He slapped a Galleon onto the counter and stomped over to Ron.

"Someone, pinch his nose." Luna, who was closest to Ron, obliged.

Draco dumped the potion into Ron's open mouth, when he had opened it to breathe, and tilted his head back. "Swallow."

"She was a lesbian," Ron replied dreamily. "Danielle was a lesbian."

Harry sighed and rolled his eyes. "This is exactly like the Parvati fiasco we went through three years ago."

"_Ooh,"_ Draco, Ginny, and Luna chorused, remembering the heartbreak their friend had gone through – and the brain-break _they_ had gone through.

"It's not looking too good for Ron, isn't it?" Ginny commented, stirring her freshly brewed coffee. "Three huge failed relationships – one ended in a love affair, another in a decision to move to France and work in a strip club, and the last in………………well……………………._lesbianism." _

The back door of the Leaky Cauldron burst in and a girl with long brown hair, dressed in a wedding gown and veil, stumbled in.

Draco raised his eyebrows. "She's hot."

"Draco! Don't you know who that is? That's Hermione Granger!" Ginny exclaimed. "Hermione!"

Hermione turned around and her eyes immediately lit up when she saw Ginny. "Ginny! I'm so glad you're here, I've been looking for you all around the city, I checked your flat and this weird guy with fake eyebrows told me you might be here, and you are! You are!"

Ginny put her arm around Hermione's shoulders. "Hey everyone, remember Hermione Granger?"

Harry, Ron, and Luna quickly exchanged hugs and greetings with Hermione, but Draco stubbornly refused to leave his seat.

Hermione stood in front of Draco and cleared her throat loudly. Draco looked up. "Oh, it's you, Granger. Yes, yes, hello, hello, goodbye, keep on moving, yes, yes, keep on moving, keep on moving _away from me._"

Hermione sank down into a couch and looked around at the group.

"So, are you going to tell us your story, or are we waiting for five bridesmaids escorted regally by tuxedo-wearing males?" Ginny asked, arching her eyebrows.

Hermione laughed. "Well, it all started at the wedding reception. I was in this room where they kept all the gifts, and as I was peeking through some, I realized that a history book on the study of solar fungi was more interesting than my stuffy fiancé, Ian! And that was when I realized how much Ian looks like Barney, you know the totally gay cartoon dinosaur?"

"Ahem," Ron cut in. "I happen to work in the Department of Ancient Magic and Artifacts at the Ministry of Magic, Hermione, subcategory Paleontology. For your information, dinosaurs are _not_ gay, however much the shade of purple they are. But do you know who _is_ gay? My ex-girlfriend! In fact, two of my ex-girlfriends have decided to become lesbians together! They're lesbians!" Ron roared, slamming his fist on the table and making the cups rattle. "Lesbians!"

"Shut up, Ron, people will think you're sexist," Harry muttered, plugging his ears. "Either that or terribly insane."

Luna turned back to Hermione. "Go on and ignore Ron, his girlfriend's a lesbian."

Hermione looked a bit shaken up. "Er – okay. Anyways, that's when I realized that there was no way I could marry Ian, even if he had the most gorgeous library in the world and owned the biggest bookstore in all of England! There was just no way. I didn't love him."

Draco raised his eyebrows and finally spoke. "So, you left him at the altar?"

Hermione nodded sadly. "I know it was a stupid thing to do, I should have at least explained before – "

" – That's great!" Draco exclaimed, clapping Hermione on the back rather painfully. "I've always dreamed of leaving someone at the altar, it'll be so cool, just toying with some girl's heart, then breaking it completely! Wow, Granger, you certainly know how to make friends with Draco Malfoy!"

Ginny and Luna stared at him in shock. "You'd do _what_ to a girl?"

"Once a cold-blooded playboy, always a cold-blooded playboy," Harry remarked, sipping his Butterbeer.

"Lesbians! Lesbians!" Ron screamed, clutching his head.

Luna whacked him in the head. "Oh, shut up, Ronald."

OoOoOoO

"Hey, Ginny, where do you keep the Floo Powder?" Hermione asked, as the group walked into the flat Ginny had bought a few years ago.

"Fourth shelf from the right, above the fireplace," Ginny answered, conjuring up some water for everyone. "Why do you need it?"

"Well, I need to explain to all my friends and family and Ian why I ran out," Hermione said. The fire turned emerald green.

"Why do you need to explain, Granger?" Draco asked. "Haven't you ever heard the saying, 'Explaining is for pushovers'?

Hermione shook her head, but Ginny rolled her eyes. "I'd expect that's your family's motto."

"No, actually, the Malfoy family motto is, 'Malfoys are not responsible for their actions'."

Harry rasied his eyebrows. "Really? Because that's actually an interesting motto."

"No, Potter!" Draco snapped. "It's 'loot, pillage, and burn'! What do you think the Malfoys are? A field of daisies?"

"Back away from me, then," Luna said, scrunching her nose. "I'm allergic to them."

"Daddy! You have to believe me!" Hermione was saying. "I didn't love him! No, I don't care if you don't care because _I_ care!"

Harry stared blankly at Hermione. _"What?"_

"She doesn't care that her father cares because she cares," Luna said loudly.

"I mean, I didn't love him, Daddy! How was I supposed to spend the rest of my life with him, just stewing away like some sort of freakish trophy wife?"

Draco nudged Harry. "The words 'stewing', 'freakish', and 'trophy wife' should not go into one sentence."

"Anyways, I don't care! It's still your loss; I'm just losing his library! And you know what, Daddy? Maybe I don't need your supervision! Maybe I don't need it! Well, maybe I don't need your roof, either! I'll just stay here with Ginny! Well, Ginny's doing fine and no, Daddy, she's not dressing like a slut anymore."

"Hey!" Ginny yelped.

Hermione took her head out of the fireplace. "I'm really sorry, Gin, but the last time I saw you, you were wearing practically nothing."

"_Hey,"_ Draco drawled, looking Ginny up and down. "I like sluts."

Ginny elbowed Draco.

"So, then I'll just stay here with Ginny, Daddy! Well, I maybe don't need your food! Or your mouthwash! Or your house! Or your money! Or – wait, wait, I still need the money!"

Hermione's head reappeared, looking quite shaken up. "Well, my dad is officially the bitchiest bastard – " she looked at Draco, and nodded decisively. " – above forty."

Draco rolled his eyes. "Would it help sooth the pain of memories if we took this into……………_the bedroom?"_

"Ew! No!" Hermione squealed. "You're……………Malfoy!"

"Ha ha!" Harry cackled obnoxiously. "That was the first time Draco got denied sex! Go 'Mione!"

Draco pushed Harry off Ginny's couch. "Shut it, Potter. I've still had more sex than you."

"Sadly, that's true," Ron remarked from Ginny's table. "The Boy-Who-Lived has gotten less than the Slimy Slytherin Bastard."

"I think it's the blonde hair," Luna said thoughtfully. "Combine that with that look Draco uses, you know, the smoldering sexy one? And then you've got an instant sex god."

Draco winked at Luna. "Didn't know you thought of me that way."

"I don't sleep with friends," Luna replied dryly. "So you can just lower that little bone that's pointing up right now."

They all laughed while Draco scowled darkly at them.

"So, Hermione, what are you doing tonight?" Ron asked. "Oh, hey, you know what? Want to help me move my furniture?" Harry and Draco vigorously shook their heads behind Ron's back.

"Well, originally, I was supposed to take my interplanetary cruise, starting with Jupiter, but that was part of the honeymoon, so nothing," Hermione replied. "But moving furniture sounds………." Hermione caught sight of Harry and Draco shaking their heads. "Er…………………it sounds like……..erm…………….masculine." She laughed nervously. "And you know, I'm not masculine in any sort of way."

"That's okay. Luna?" Ron asked, conjuring up some iced pumpkin juice. Ginny immediately slipped a coaster underneath the glass.

Luna made a face. "Well…………….I really _really_ want to…………..but you know………..I've got……………plans……………….." she trailed off, averting her eyes.

"Gin?"

"Can't. I've got a date with Simon."

Draco looked up. "Wait, Simon, as in Simon, the paper guy?"

'You're going out with Simon, the paper guy? God, I love that man!" Ron exclaimed.

"What does that mean?" Luna asked. "I mean, does Simon sell paper, make paper, _eat_ paper?"

Harry raised his eyebrows. "Luna, I sincerely doubt he eats paper."

As Harry turned around, Luna scoffed quietly. "I suppose you don't know anyone who does."

Someone knocked on the door.

Harry checked his watch. "Ah, Simon the paper guy. He's right on time."

Ginny gasped. "Oh, my god! It's six already?"

"No, actually, it's nine. In China," Ron said. "Yes, it's six o' clock!"

Ginny hurried off to her room, taking care to tread on Ron's foot. She yelled over her shoulder, "Somebody get the door, nobody say anything, and act like ladies and gentlemen for a change!"

"As you wish, milady," Harry said with a grin. "Hey, Simon!"

Simon stepped in cautiously. "I thought I heard screaming in here," he mumbled apprehensively.

"Oh, that was just Ginny practicing her singing," Harry said. "She's very talented, no?"

"You know, if you marry her, you'll have to hear that every day," Ron added. "You know, unless she turns out to be a lesbian and then breaks your heart."

Simon looked confused. "Um………..okay…………….?"

Thankfully, Ginny came out at the moment, or Harry, Ron, and Draco would've scared him out.

"Wow, you look great!" Simon exclaimed.

Ginny blushed. "Oh, this? This was the closest thing I could reach!"

"Hmm………expensive robes costing roughly a hundred galleons at the front of a closet?" Draco commented in an undertone. "Surely you jest."

Ginny jabbed her elbow into Draco's face. "Ignore him. He's……………..mentally deranged."

Draco rolled his eyes. "Oh, yeah, the girl-who-lies-about-clothing-of-all-things-to-her-date is judging?"

Ginny glared at him. "We'll be going now. Good-bye, Draco, and don't forget to take your medicine."

"Cheerio!" Harry called gaily as Ginny slammed the door behind her. "I love torturing her dates!"

"Well, stop," Luna said. "You guys torturing her dates scares most of them off and is the main reason why she's still a single _and_ hot redhead, age twenty-two."

"Hey, she's twenty-two, not thirty-two!" Harry said. "She still has eight years to settle down. Which means eight more years of torture." Harry giggled insanely.

Hermione shook her head. "You guys are so funny now. Especially you, Harry. I mean, back at Hogwarts, you seemed to be always be filled with rage whenever someone mentioned Voldemort."

"Please don't say that name in my presence," Ron said frostily. "I still have horrible memories of him."

Hermione looked at him. "And you, Ron! You've changed so much! God, you're working in the paleontology department in the Ministry of Magic now! I always thought you were going to be a Quidditch player or something like that."

"Well, the Wimbourne Wasps did offer me a position, but I decided that working for the greater amount of money was better, since then I'll always have the money to buy what I want. Plus, it's kinda cool to see all those dinosaurs the Muggles thought were dead."

Hermione choked on her water. "They're _not_ dead?"

Ron sighed. "Does no one wander occasionally to the fifth floor, east wing, sixth window to the left?"

They stared at him. "No."

Ron sighed again. "Come on, guys. Let's go move furniture."

Harry nodded vigorously. "Yes, yes, because that's the most important thing in the _world_."

Draco mimed strangling himself.

"Bye Luna, 'Mione! See you tomorrow!" Ron called out.

Hermione turned back to Luna. "So…………….what do you do for a living?"

Luna smiled. "Well, by day I'm a masseuse……….but by night I sometimes play my guitar at the Leaky Cauldron, you know, just for the heck of it and to enjoy life to the fullest, and also, sometimes I help Daddy edit the Quibbler."

Hermione grinned. "Quibbler still going strong?"

"Actually, ever since Harry's interview back in my fourth year, sales have been getting steadily higher. We made a poll last year, and it turns out that more people are believing in the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks!"

"Ah. Er………that must be great for publication!"

"It is, it is," Luna smiled faintly. "So………what's your job?"

"Well," Hermione started. "I don't actually have one. I was planning to get married so I would never have to experience all the work people put into their jobs and then get rejected brutally. I was planning to just settle down, have a few kids, and then spend the rest of my life relaxing and achieving my goal to read every book written in English."

Luna nodded. "That sounds pretty good to me. But you know, in the real world, you kinda have to get a job to buy stuff."

"Oh, I know," Hermione replied. "I was thinking of maybe working in a bookstore, so I could use my employee's discount to buy books."

Then they lapsed into silence Luna smiled excitedly and said, "Hey! D'you want to pop in Ron's new flat and give him a little scare! Ooh, yeah! We could bring watermelons and cranberries and pineapple! And then we could spray whipped cream on the windows and then TP the bedroom! Oh, and then we put on scary Halloween masks and scare them, and then we'll watch Draco scream like a little girl and then see Harry accidentally hurt himself and then we'll bug Ron about his lesbian relationships!"

Hermione stared at her.

OoOoOoO

A/N – So, did you like it? Hate it? Really, really, really, despise it to the depths of hell and back accompanied by Satan himself?

If anyone likes this idea, please tell me. That way, I can know whether or not to continue with this story.

Thanks!

-Lily in a Pond


	2. The One with the Kids

Pals – Chapter Two

By Lily in a Pond

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from "Friends" or Harry Potter because unfortunately, I did not write HP or the script of "Friends."

A/N – Thanks to everybody who reviewed this story – Love Hope Joy, Greekchic, KandyKat98, cool-people-suck, PunkPygmiePuff, gnomesbeatfaeries, RonandMione4Ever, and tinavel!

Also, thanks to Love Hope Joy for being my first reviewer! Now I have to chase you when you start a new story and be _your_ first reviewer………….wait, was I your first reviewer for your current story?

OoOoOoO

Draco Apparated into Ron's new flat. His jaw dropped. _"This_ is it?"

Ron looked deeply affronted. "Well, _excuse me_ for not buying a huge apartment like you and Harry did!"

Harry tripped over a box. "Ron, I thought you made a lot of money in the Ministry of Magic," he grumbled, rubbing his head.

"I do," Ron replied. "I just prefer to put it in Gringotts so I can collect the interest."

Harry and Draco looked at each other, and then burst out laughing.

"Ron, spend it now, mate, spend it now," Draco choked out. "In a few years, inflation will happen, and you'll be left with regret."

"Actually, I heard from Data and Statistics over on the third floor that inflation was going to happen – "

Harry cut Ron off rudely. "Just spend it," he advised. "Spend it while you can, who knows when you're going to get another girlfriend and blow all your savings on her," he added in an undertone.

Draco surveyed the mess around him. "Well, there are no words to describe this. . .cubicle. . .cubicle-thing."

"It'll look bigger once we clear this mess up," Ron said, emphasizing the words, gesturing to the boxes surrounding him.

"Got any scissors or knives anywhere?" Harry asked, looking around.

"Uh. . . .I think the knives are in a box labeled, 'Kitchen Equipment'," Ron said.

"Which might be hard to open since the actual knives are _in_ the box," Draco finished, rolling his eyes.

"Never mind," Harry said, conjuring up a large chainsaw. "I'll just use this instead," he grinned as the machine whirled to life.

"Hey, is that one of those weird Muggle machines that can cut your hand off?" Draco exclaimed, reaching to touch the chainsaw. "Wow!"

"Don't touch it!" Ron yelled. "Dad once brought one of those home and it chopped off my hair!"

Harry raised his eyebrows. "So _that's_ how you got that abysmal haircut two years ago."

Ron rolled his eyes. "That haircut was intentional," he grumbled. "The chainsaw-hair incident was in my last year at Hogwarts."

Draco gave up on trying to open a box and conjured up his own chainsaw. "Ha! This'll show you who has the power!" he cackled maniacally as he chopped through the box rather violently.

Ron sighed. "That's not for playing, Draco."

"Oh, I know. It's for DESTROYING!" Draco screamed, with a disturbed look in his eyes, all the while still cackling like a madman.

"I give up," Harry said, looking resigned. "Draco is still a child inside, and there's nothing we can do to affect that. Well, except for, you know, dosages of tea," he added thoughtfully.

"Why tea?" Ron asked.

"Tea makes you sleepy. I once tried it on Ginny; she fell asleep in fifteen minutes after drinking seven cups of tea," Harry explained. "Then I put her hand in a bowl of warm water and made her pee her pants!" he exclaimed, giggling madly.

"Draco's not the only one who's a embracing his inner child," Ron commented. "Looks like I'm the only adult here." He shrugged and conjured up a chainsaw of his own and ferociously ripped a box open. "But at least I'm a childish adult!"

OoOoOoO

The morning, Luna and Ron dropped in Ginny's flat for breakfast, like they always did, every single day of the week.

"You're out of marmalade," Harry informed Ginny as he took his head out of the refrigerator.

"You're also out of anything that's low-fat," Draco added.

Luna rolled her eyes. "When are you going to stop those ridiculous diets that you go on, Draco? It's an unhealthy obsession!"

"You go on diets?" Hermione asked.

Draco nodded. "I try at least three different ones every year and I've been doing it ever since I left Hogwarts. I'm too fat!" he snarled grouchily.

"You're the skinniest out of all of us!" Ginny scoffed.

"Yeah, out of all of you guys," Draco spat. "On the runway, no way."

"Oh, so, you're a model now?" Hermione asked, looking pleasantly surprised. "I always thought you'd follow in Daddy Malfoy's footsteps and be one of those evil, bad guys who are almost always hired assassins."

Draco chose to ignore the latter. "I'm_ trying_ to be a model. The modeling world is a rough, harsh, and physically fit one. In the modeling world, he who is tall and muscular but skinny is he who lives."

"I still think being a male model is a little weird," Ron remarked. "I mean, the general consensus of the public view about models is that they're supposed to be tall, willowy, and _female_."

"Ginny, you don't have any of the necessary materials to put on toast," Harry interrupted. "You only have butter."

"What's wrong with butter?" Ginny asked, peering inside the refrigerator. "Hey, there's jam and marmalade in here!"

Harry quickly took his head out, and started snickering.

"What's so funny?"

Harry was too busy laughing his head off to answer, so they all peered inside the kitchen.

"Ah."

Labeled on every jar and bottle in the refrigerator was Ginny's grinning face, her red hair clashing horribly with the hot pink background. The words, 'Want a honey pot to dip your stick in? Owl Ginny Weasley!' were glowing brightly below each picture.

Ginny took her head out of the refrigerator, blushing furiously. "Harry," she started. Then she exploded. "HARRY JAMES POTTER! WHY IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN AND HELL WOULD YOU THINK THAT IS A FUNNY THING TO DO! DO YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ME AT ALL? IS YOUR OWN SELF-CONFIDENCE SO LOW YOU HAVE TO PRANK OTHERS TO HAVE YOUR LITTLE YA-YAS?" Ginny's face was fire engine red by now. "YOU ARE AN INSUFFERABLE, HORRIBLE, AND BITCHY BASTARD WHO HAS A PRIVACY PROBLEM AND A _HORRIBLE_ PERSONALITY!"

"Story of me and Granger's conversations for life," Draco muttered. Hermione swatted him.

"Sorry, Gin, but you know that it is my goal to laugh at my friends every day," Harry choked out.

"It was pretty funny in an obscene way," Ron admitted, patting Ginny on the back. "You have to admit this, but Harry has a talent for making mature jokes."

Luna poured milk over her cereal. "I thought you had used that before, you know, at Carrie's Halloween party? I remember something like this with the paper cups."

"Come to think of it, you pulled it something like that at the birthday party you guys threw for me last year at Malfoy Manor," Draco said. "You were definitely lucky my mother tolerates jokes."

Harry stared at them in shock. "I've used this before? Oh, dear god!" Harry quickly Disapparated with a loud crack.

Ginny burst out laughing. "Now, _that_, was funny."

Hermione looked up. "So, I was thinking of getting a job today. D'you think I'm qualified for a job in a bookstore?"

"You know, off the top of my head, I'd say yes," Ron said. "But if I did some thinking about it, I'd say no."

"Why?"

"They won't hire you because you're too good, Hermione," Luna explained. "They think you're tying to steal the company or something. That's how I got fired from my latest job."

"Oho!"

Everyone turned to look at Draco.

"Trust me," he continued, ignoring the murderous looks Luna was sending him, "That is _so_ not the reason she got fired. She got fired because she violated employee code of conduct, section four, paragraph five. In other words, she slept with –!"

"_Silencio!"_ Luna yelled. As Draco scowled and crossed his arms, she laughed nervously. "He wasn't going to say anything."

Ginny, Hermione, and Ron smirked in unison. _"Sure. . ."_

"Anyways," Luna said, clearing her throat nervously. "People won't hire you at the low ends because they think that you're here to scoop up their jobs as you're so good with books, they won't hire you!"

"So, what you're saying is that I should aim extremely high for my _very first job_?" Hermione asked skeptically.

"Yeah, definitely!" Luna exclaimed. "Good thing you know _exactly_ what I'm saying!"

As Luna walked over to the sink, Ginny leaned over and whispered to Hermione, "Good thing you have _common sense_."

OoOoOoO

"Why did they call this the Leaky Cauldron?" Harry wondered, peering at the others over his cup of coffee. "I mean, why not the –" Harry paused dramatically and pretended to think. "- Why not the 'Diabolical Firearm'?"

Ginny stared at him. "Because…the owners were _sane_!"

"No, seriously, I mean, imagine that you walk into the 'Diabolical Firearm.' You order a drink, and a girl wearing this short skirt and see-through blouse hands it to you."

Draco looked up from the Daily Prophet. "I'm listening."

Harry grinned. "Wouldn't that be such a great idea for this place? You know, spice it up a little? Add a little, shall we say, _class?"_

"Ah, yes, the class of the sleazy strip clubs," Ron retorted, rolling his eyes. "How refined!"

"You're just upset because you still haven't gotten over Danielle," Draco accused, jabbing a pale finger rather painfully into Ron's chest. "So now, you can't bear to see _anyone_ happy."

Ron slammed his fist on the table. "For the last time, I am completely over Danielle! She was a lesbian! I'm straight! She's blonde! I'm red-haired! She wanted a huge apartment! I wanted comfy and small! She was a vegetarian! I consume large amounts of red meat! As you can see, we have absolutely nothing in common!"

"Other than the fact that you both like women," Harry smirked.

"Well, there was that little fact I was planning to ignore for the REST OF MY LIFE!" Ron roared. A few people sitting nearby quickly moved away.

"Calm down, Ron," Luna whispered. 'People are staring at you like you're a mouse in the Magical Menagerie that can pee on command and just did it in someone's face."

Ron raised his eyebrows. _"What?" _

"Hey," Hermione called, popping in (literally) behind them.

Harry jumped and spilled his coffee, which was now, thankfully, not hot anymore, all over Ginny.

"You know, somewhere in the back of my head, I'm thinking that you and Hermione staged this just so my shirt would get wet," Ginny said, elbowing Harry before pulling out her wand.

Harry smirked. "Well, some things happen for unexplained reasons."

Ginny chucked a cup at him. Luna giggled.

"Lame, Harry, the word is lame."

"Well, I tried getting a job today," Hermione said, carefully balancing a cup of coffee in one hand and a plate with gingersnaps on it in the other.

"Well?" Luna asked. "Did you get it?"

Hermione scoffed. "Of course not! Aim high, aim low, pfft, no difference," she added in an undertone.

"No!" Draco exclaimed sarcastically. "And here I was, waiting with clenched teeth and crossed fingers, for your triumphal return!"

"Yes, well, these things happen," Hermione replied, stirring her coffee. "But even that can't bring me down, because I just walked in on a huge sale at a closing bookstore and got the complete set of the World War II biographies!"

They all stared at her blankly.

"What?" Hermione protested. "I love World War II!"

Ron cleared his throat. "Okay……anyways……."

"Oh, hey, did anyone read about the scandal about the Weird Sisters?" Luna asked.

"I'm haven't heard 'bout that in national news, so I'm guessing it was featured in the Quibbler," said Draco, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, I read that!" Ginny exclaimed. "It was semi-true."

Draco stared at her in shock. "Well, hit me over the head with a rubber ducky, and cremate me! The Quibbler actually printed something in _existence!" _

Luna hit him. "Just because Daddy has gone into his old years now doesn't mean that he has lost the journalistic mind that allows him to see what _true _articles are."

"So, when did he get old?" asked Hermione, thinking of all the articles that had used his _journalistic mind. _

"About four years ago," Luna said offhandedly. "But that's all old. What I _really_ want to know are all the gory details about Draco's new job."

"Yeah, tell us about this new job," Harry smirked, leaning back into his chair.

"Uh-oh, Harry's smirking. This job must really be humiliating!" Ginny squealed.

Draco shook his head. "I get to be around real models all the time, plus I get modeling expertise."

"So, what exactly is your job title?" Harry pressed, grinning.

Draco blushed and mumbled something incoherent.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Hermione asked.

Draco scowled and mumbled very quietly, "Runner."

They all burst out laughing.

"I never thought I'd see the day when Draco Malfoy would be running errands all over London for models!" Hermione choked out.

"You, Draco Malfoy, being reduced to that pitiful little job!" Ginny wheezed.

Luna shrugged. "I don't know, I think it's kind of noble that Draco's doing this. I mean, he obviously isn't used to doing things for other people and taking orders from them, it's actually quite a fresh start on humanity."

Draco smiled. "Thank you, Luna! You're the only who sees the true beauty in this situation!"

"But," Luna continued. "I can't help but snigger at your smallness on the modeling scale."

Ron shook his head wryly and stood. "Hey, I'm going to get more coffee. Anyone want anything? Oh, wait." He pretended to think. "I think I'll let you to get the drinks, Draco. After all, you'll need practice following commands."

Hermione playfully punched Ron. "Come on, Ron, don't tease Draco like that. You know he's really touchy about this. Aren't you, Draco?" When Draco opened his mouth to reply, Hermione quickly added, "Oh, but that's right. I shouldn't need to hear you agreeing, by now, you should've already learned the automatic 'yes'."

Draco scowled deeper as the group laughed harder. "Heck, one day, when I'll be on every clothes poster in the country, you're going to be sorry you've ever joked about Draco Malfoy!"

"Ooh, like I'm taking orders from you," Ginny quipped. "Shouldn't it be the other way around?"

The rest of the group started laughing even harder as Draco rolled his eyes, flipped them off, and stalked out of the Leaky Cauldron.

OoOoOoO

"Hey, you guys!" Ginny called as she popped into her apartment.

"Hey!" Hermione cried, turning around on the sofa. "How was your date with Simon?"

"Ginny went on another date with Simon, as in Simon, the Paper Guy?" Ron asked, also turning around.

"It went pretty good," Ginny replied, smiling. "We had dinner at this fancy restaurant, we talked, laughed, basically had a good time."

Ron looked suspicious. "Okay, what's wrong with Simon?"

Hermione looked confused. "Why do you think something's wrong with Simon?"

"Because every single guy Ginny dates has something weird!" Ron exclaimed, like this was the most obvious thing in the world. "There are no guys who would willingly date Gin and be _normal!" _

Ginny looked up. "Thanks, Ron, that makes me feel _so _good."

Ron scoffed. "No really, every guy Ginny goes out with has a weird thing," he clarified for Hermione. "Take Chris Wilder, a guy she dated about a year ago. Obsessive flapping of hands. Next, Thomas Yardley. The spitter. Of course, we can't exclude the Hogwarts boyfriends. Michael Corner, boring as hell and always ranting about the Goblin Wars. Dean Thomas – abysmally a soccer prat. Colin Creevey. Well, we all know his habits." Ginny glared at Ron and opened her mouth. "Robert Jackson," Ron quickly added before Ginny could say anything. "The guy who is freakishly double-jointed in every bone of his body –" Hermione winced, picturing the image. "- Dave Gennison, the 24/7 tap-dancing, and the worst, we have Dashiel Waters." Ron looked over at Hermione. "The unperfectly perfect man," he whispered.

"Why, what'd he do?" Hermione asked curiously.

"No! Don't tell her, Ronald, or – or- or – I'll write to Mum!" Ginny screamed in desperation.

"He died, Hermione, he died," Ron said solemnly. Then he cracked up. "No, actually, Dash and Ginny were together for the longest time – I think two and a half years or so – and anyways, Ginny was seriously considering marrying him at the time. But then something happened." Ron paused dramatically and looked at Ginny, who was burying her face into her hands. "Ginny visited Dash at his apartment one time to surprise him, and she found out………….she found out……………she found out that Dash was a major slob!"

Hermione gasped loudly. "Oh, my god!"

Ron nodded solemnly. "Yes, yes, so sad, isn't it? Well, then, their relationship just went completely downhill from there, and that is why Gin is still single. I mean, if she just gritted her teeth and went with Dash's messiness, she could've had the family she always wanted by now. But,_ no._ Gin just had to make a big deal of cleanliness and break it off with Dash, who, by the way, was beloved by us all."

"I hate you!" Ginny's muffled voice came from the refrigerator.

Ron smirked in her direction. "Well, somebody had to tell Hermione the gory details of your failed relationships."

"And _you're_ judging, Mr. My-two-exes-got-together-and-are-now-a-lesbian-couple!" Ginny shrieked, her face now a violent shade of red. Ron jumped to his feet and bellowed,

"I_ knew_ you were going to use that against me!"

As Ron and Ginny continued bickering, Hermione quietly slipped out of the apartment and entered Harry and Draco's.

"Hey," she said, popping her head. "Ron and Ginny are having a fight, wanna come and – ARGH!"

Draco quickly jumped to his feet. "Hermione! Didn't your mum teach you to knock before coming in?"

"Draco, it's nine in the evening! If you want to have sex at this hour, then you should do it in the bedroom!" Hermione shrieked.

"Well, I kind of thought it would be cool to do it on the floor," Draco mumbled.

"What?"

"Oh, never mind," Draco sighed. "Here, I'm sorry that our date got cut off. I'll call you!" he added to a brunette girl. As the girl nodded and quickly scampered out of the apartment, Draco rolled his eyes and muttered, "Or not."

"Uh….there's a fight going on at Ginny's….wanna come watch?" Hermione said weakly, her mind rapidly flowing with the scenes she had just observed.

"Uh….oh, yeah, that should be fun," Draco mumbled. "I'll just…..put some clothes on."

Hermione nodded and walked back into Ron and Ginny's apartment. To her disappointment, they had stopped arguing, but Ron was showing evident signs of bruises on his arms and Ginny's hair was tousled. Badly.

Ginny looked up. "What's with the sex face, Hermione?"

Hermione ran out of the room screaming.


	3. The One with the Unexpected Visitors

Pals – Chapter Three

By Lily in a Pond

Disclaimer: If I really owned Harry Potter and Friends, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction, I'd be at home, rollin' in da cash!

OoOoOoO

"Holy mother of Merlin, we've hit the jackpot."

Draco stared at Harry incredulously. "This is just a sweetshop, Harry, there's no need to get excited about this."

Harry shook his head. "No," he breathed. "This isn't just a sweetshop, it's a_ sweetshop!"_

Draco saluted him. "I hear and understand you."

Harry rolled his eyes. "No, I mean, this is one of those sweetshops you go to as a kid and just want to cram your hands on everything!"

"You know, Hogsmeade was the first sweetshop I went to," Draco remarked thoughtfully. "Before, my father ordered me sweets by Owl Post. He said going to sweetshops and actually buying the things was too…._ plebian_ for him."

Harry squealed loudly and grabbed a packet of Exploding Gingersnaps and eagerly shoved them in Draco's face. "Look, look! Isn't this cool?"

"Remind me again why I'm here with you," Draco sighed.

Harry rolled his eyes and started running and up the aisles, grabbing candy of all assortments. "I told you, Ginny's having a party for Hermione tonight and she doesn't have time to make her own confections, so she sent us here."

"Why doesn't Ginny just get people to help her?" Draco huffed, already getting tired at the unnaturally fast speed Harry was racing past the aisles. "I mean, she can definitely afford it."

"No, she lost almost all of it in that stock investment a year ago, remember?"

"Oh yeah," Draco said, his eyes misting over. "The formidable Ginny Weasley breaking down and smashing the Wireless to bits and pieces is an image I'd like imprinted in my mind forever."

"You want that image because Gin was wearing only her extremely see-through nightie at the time," Harry retorted, carrying his purchases to the cash register. "Wow, Ginny needs a lot of stuff," he remarked as he looked at everything he had snatched from the shelves. "I mean, who in their right mind eats Mint Butterflies? Or Tasting the Rainbow Licorice?"

The clerk cleared his throat loudly.

Draco sighed. _"He _does, Harry."

Harry blushed. "Well, at least you don't eat Every Flavor Marshmallows, I mean, those things are nasty!"

The clerk continued staring at Harry.

"And _there_ goes the other foot," Draco commented idly as he picked up a copy of Witch Weekly.

Harry gave the clerk one last apologetic look before turning around and joining Draco at the magazine stand.

"Hang on, Draco, isn't that your old girlfriend?"

Draco continued reading. "Which one?"

"Adele Hanson, she's on the front page of England's Top Ten, as 'England's new rising model.'"

Draco's jaw dropped open. "Adele Hanson? As in Adele Hanson, my girlfriend from _fat camp?_ As in Adele Hanson, the girl who is now a freakin' model?"

"All, sadly, true. Hey, you went to fat camp?"

"Oh, my god," Draco wheezed, ignoring the latter and sitting down heavily on the stone floor. "Adele Hanson, the one hundred ninety-seven pound cookie monster from fat camp, is now a model, and I'm not? Oh, dear god……"

The clerk behind the counter snickered quietly. Harry glared at him. "Hey, shut up! Draco is not _completely_ pathetic."

OoOoOoO

"Hey, Hermione? We're having a party for you tonight, so if you could come in and look surprised, that'll be great."

Hermione smiled at Luna. "Yeah, I can do that. After all, acting flaky is one of my best talents. Aside, from, you know, reciting the Greek alphabet in twenty seconds," she added, smiling wryly.

"Oh, that's cool! You know, I can recite the number of poisonous gases my mother breathed in before she died!" Luna exclaimed excitedly. Hermione stared at Luna.

"Uh………..sure……." Hermione shuffled some papers nervously. "Anyways……I've decided to apply for a job at the Ministry of Magic, in the Data and Statistics department."

"Oh, Harry works in that department at the Ministry," Luna replied, picking at her nails idly. "He says it's awfully boring there, always doing paperwork of some sort."

"Well, that's good. I like doing paperwork," Hermione smiled. "That settles it, I think I'm really going to go with Data and Statistics. By the way, how did he end up there? I thought he always wanted to become an Auror."

"Well, he still does. But ever since he defeated Voldemort and got all the Death Eaters in Azkaban, there really hasn't been a reason for Aurors. I mean, the Department of Magical Law Enforcement can just take over with no complains. There was really no need for Aurors anyways, so they closed that department down and shipped its members off to other departments and Harry got Data and Statistics. Well, it was more like he was hauled there against his will. Mind you, they're not going to be as excited over there as they were when Harry came along," she finished, waggling a finger at Hermione.

"Oh, that's fine," Hermione replied cheerfully. "As long as I'm doing something that I like, it's all good."

"Fine, but I'm warning you," Luna began ominously, "those people over there are like a pack of wolves hunting down a poor little innocent rabbit."

Hermione shrugged. "I'm sure it's not going to be that bad."

Luna gasped loudly and shrieked, "YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THE POOR, INNOCENT, LITTLE BUNNY? _HOW DARE YOU!"_ Luna then ran out of the room, sobbing.

"Wait!" Hermione cried in shock. "What did I even say?"

OoOoOoO

At Ginny's party, everyone was having fun, dancing, talking, or eating the food that Ginny had spent all day cooking. However, the hostess herself was scurrying everywhere, popping up where you least expect her, and had the tendency to jump only about three feet in the air when someone talked to her.

"Hey, Ginny!"

Ginny jumped yet again, and almost spilled the plate of salmon mousse on cucumber chips that she was holding. "Simon! Wow, it's great to see you!"

"Gin, we saw each other yesterday," Simon replied dryly.

"Yes, well, still."

Simon looked around. "You make really great food."

Ginny laughed nervously.

"Ha ha, food's the only thing I'm good at…..it's good…………" she trailed off, smiling weakly.

There was silence for a moment between the two until Harry came in.

"Gin! Simon! Two people in a room, staring at each other like there's no tomorrow!' he exclaimed jovially. "Oh, wait, am I interrupting a moment here?"

"No!" Ginny and Simon cried at the same time. Harry raised his eyebrows.

"Well…..that's an interesting reply. Oh hey, by the way, Ginny, guess who Luna invited here?"

"No idea, but I'm pretty sure it's someone that you would like and I wouldn't."

Harry grinned evilly. "Nope, nope, none of that. It's Dashiel Waters!"

Ginny gasped and dropped the plate of food. "No, Harry, why'd you do that? You are the most horrible person I have ever known!"

"Who's Dashiel Waters?" Simon asked.

Harry looked at him. "He's Ginny's reincarnation from the Renaissance period," he answered seriously.

"Really?" Simon asked, looking intrigued.

"No!" Harry sniggered. "He's someone Ginny used to have………shall we put it, _personal relations_ with."

Simon comprehended this for a second, then shook his head. "I'm not understanding."

"Then you must be quite unintelligent," Harry answered smarmily at the same time Ron came up to them and said, "Well, you better, because Dash's heading right this way."

"Hey, Dash!" Harry and Ron called. Ginny growled out a small, _"You,"_ and quickly retreated to the backroom.

"So….what's the deal with you and Gin?" Simon asked.

"Oh, we're soul mates, but then Ginny found out that I was a major slob and had a hell of a messy apartment, so then we broke up. And I was on the verge of proposing when she found out, so basically, Ginny's the girl who broke my heart and then trampled on it with iron nailed shoes," Dash explained, nonchalantly eating a cookie. He looked up after swallowing. "Ironically enough, she hates _me _even though I was the dumpee."

Simon stared in shock at him. "……Really…..? That's…….erm…….interesting……"

As Ginny came back from the bathroom with a red face, Simon quickly stood up. "You know, I'm going to take off. I've got work tomorrow, and it's very important that I……..er……deliver those papers."

As soon as the door closed, Ginny whirled on Harry and Ron. "What the hell did you do to him? He was perfectly fine before, now he's nervous wreck! And you!" she jabbed a finger in Dash's chest. "Why the bloody hell are you smirking like a Cheshire Cat with a hanger in its mouth!"

Dash smirked even more widely. "Aw, come on, Gin, the guys were just doing you a public service."

"A public service?" Ginny screeched, her face becoming redder by the second. "A public service?"

"Well, on top of ole London!" Harry sang in a tenor voice. "All covered with freckles! I lost my Ginny, when she started to heckle!"

Ron and Dash jumped up and started singing backup. "It was gory! It was nasty! And then my poor Ginny was a sight you shouldn't have seen!"

OoOoOoO

The next morning, Ginny stumbled into the kitchen, and blindly reached out for the coffee pot.

"What's with you, Gin?" Luna asked, handing a cup of coffee. "You look like a mess."

"Hangover," Ginny muttered, rubbing her temples.

"You want me to brew you a Hangover Potion?" Hermione asked. "The interview's later today, so I have some time now."

"Don't have time today. Have to go to work soon."

"Ginny!" Draco yelled. Ginny's head moved an inch.

"Yup, you got _really_ drunk last night," he smirked, crunching his toast. "Aw, poor you. You'll be throwing the crap of out of your system by nine, I predict, with what you drank last night and your reaction now."

"I don't even remember what I did," Ginny mumbled from her cup.

Ginny's bedroom door opened and Dash stepped, wrapped in a bathrobe.

"Morning, Gin," he called, grabbing a stack of waffles.

"Morning, Dash," Ginny answered.

While Hermione, Luna, and Draco were still gaping wide-eyed at Dash, Harry leaned back in his chair. "Still waiting for Gin to get it."

Ginny's ears started turning pink and she slowly raised he head. "Dash? Dash? Dash! Oh, my god! W-w-w-w-w-what are you doing here!"

"Having breakfast," Dash grinned, slipping an arm around Ginny's shoulders.

"W-w-w-w-w-what?" Ginny stuttered. Then her eyes opened wide and she screamed, "Dashiel William Waters! You have some explaining to do!"

"You know, this would be a good time for me to go," Dash muttered, grabbing his coat. "I'll see you all around!"

"Oh, no you don't!" Ginny growled, making a desperate grab at his coat.

_Pop! _Ginny's hands closed around air. She swore loudly and kicked the table.

"Why, why, why, why, _why_ Dashiel Waters?" she yelled at the ceiling. "What have I done in all my lives, God, to deserve this punishment?"

Harry shook his head. "Face it, Gin, Dash's practically your soul mate. He keeps popping around everywhere. You can't escape him. Sooner or later, you're going to have to accept that he just can't get out of your life."

"Speak for yourself," Ginny snapped. "Don't you have a date with Hannah later today?"

Harry opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it once again. "That's a completely different situation."

Hermione looked between the two. "Wait, Hannah Abbott?" When Harry nodded, her eyes widened. "Hannah Abbott? You're dating Hannah Abbott, from Hogwarts?"

"Actually, he's dating Hannah Abbott _in_ Hogwarts," Draco interjected.

"The same whiny, spoiled, dumb-as-a-doorknob Hannah?"

"Yups," Luna answered. "You're not going to believe it 'til you see it. I'm warning you, she still wears only badger colors."

Hermione opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted.

_Pop!_

"Morning, Ron," Harry called. Ron turned around slowly.

"Danielle's having my baby," he whispered. "My lesbian ex-wife is having my baby."

Draco idly stirred his cereal. "Well, I can't say I've heard that one before."

"Wait, Danielle's having your baby?" Luna asked. "How can that be possible? You guys haven't done it in…….I don't know, three months?"

"She's three months pregnant," Ron said, his face still ashen.

"Oh," Luna's mouth formed an 'o' and various bits of food fell out.

"Erm……how did it happen?" Harry asked, immediately kicking himself afterwards.

"The usual way," Ron shrugged.

"You're being surprisingly calm about this," Hermione observed.

"I figure it's the shock. In about three hours, I'll be running up and down London, screaming like a chicken with its head cut off."

"Whatever you say," Draco mumbled, helping himself to a tiny serving of cereal.

"Are you sure she's pregnant?" Ginny asked. "I mean, the test could be wrong."

"No no," Ron replied. "Danielle took the test twenty times, in which eighteen were done in my presence."

"Ron…" Ginny started, clutching his hand. "…You're going to become a father."

"I know," Ron said. "I'm still in shock. Owl me a Calming Spell in a few hours."

Draco looked back and forth between them. "Wait, am I the only one here who isn't affected by this sudden turn of events?"

Hermione turned around and looked thoughtfully at Draco for a moment. "You know, it is a bit strange that you're showing any emotion about this at all. God, Malfoy, what have you experienced during your life?"

"Oho!" Draco cried, leaning back into his chair. "You_ don't _want to know."

OoOoOoO

Three hours later, when Hermione entered her interviewer's office at the Ministry of Magic, she heard a bloodcurdling scream.

"And that would be Ron," she muttered to herself as she closed the door.

"So, Miss Granger, what are your – "

"Oh, my god!" Hermione exclaimed. "Ernie Macmillan?"

"Erm…yes," Ernie answered, albeit a little hesitantly. "I'm Ernie Macmillan. Who are you?"

"You don't remember me? I'm Hermione Granger, remember, from Hogwarts?" Seeing Ernie's confused face, she prattled on. "I was in Gryffindor! You and I were Head Boy and Girl in seventh year! You tried to kiss me on Halloween seventh year and I pushed you into the lake!"

"Oh," Ernie said, leaning back into his chair and looking upset. "You're _that _Hermione."

"What other Hermiones could there be?"

Ernie ignored this comment and instead shuffled the pile of papers on his desk. "Well, Miss Granger, I'm afraid this interview's over."

Hermione's jaw dropped. "Say _what?"_

Ernie smirked in a very un-Hufflepuff-ish way. "Consider it payback for rejecting my every hope and dream of you and me together."

Hermione was shocked. "I would not believe that you of all people, Ernie Macmillan, would hold grudges just because I didn't feel the same way you did about me at Hogwarts! Argh – you know what?"

"I'm sure I don't, and I'm sure that I don't want to," Ernie answered pleasantly. "Now, if you don't mind, kindly get the hell out of my office before I call security."

Hermione stood up and grabbed her purse. "Well, I'll just waltz away from here without the help of bodyguards, like _some _people use!" She gave an arrogant sniff. "Good day, Huffle n' Puff."

As soon as Hermione was in the lobby, she threw down her purse and kicked the nearest wall.

"ARGH!" she screamed. "I cannot believe this is happening!"

A pair of shiny black shoes stepped near hers. "Morning, Granger!"

Hermione looked up. Standing in front of her was Blaise Zabini, a Slytherin she faintly remembered from school.

"Hello, Zabini. You work here?"

"Yes, I work in the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes. I'm an Obliviator," Blaise answered, smiling slightly. "So, why were you kicking the wall? Did your boss pass you over for a promotion or something?"

"Oh, no, no, just some….old school grudges," Hermione muttered, suddenly feeling extremely embarrassed that she, Hermione Granger, the girl voted most likely to succeed, was jobless.

Blaise looked confused. "But Draco doesn't work here."

"Oh, no, it's not anything to do with him. Actually, he's quite nice now. He lives across the hall from me."

"Ooh," Blaise cooed. "Well, isn't that just peachy? The goody-goody girl ends up with the Slyth."

"Trust me, it's not like that," Hermione smiled. "It's merely a platonic, somewhat iffy relationship."

"Yeah, you know, that sounds pretty good, but I'm going to go with my way because it sounds _way_ more dramatic. It has the whole Romeo and Juliet thang goin' on."

Hermione blinked. Thang, she thought. Blaise Zabini just said 'thang.'

"I just said 'thang', didn't I?" Blaise asked. "Oh, my god, I just said 'thang' to Hermione Granger."

Hermione just grinned.

"Hey, here's a thought. Since Draco isn't dating you or anything, how 'bout I take you to dinner tomorrow night?" Blaise asked.

Hermione beamed. "Dinner sounds fabulous!"

Blaise laughed. "Okay, I'll drop by your flat at eight, then. Bye, Hermione!"

As Hermione Apparated to the Leaky Cauldron, she grinned inwardly. Take that, Ernie Macmillan. I'm willing to go out with Blaise Zabini, but not you.

OoOoOoO

"Did you get a job?" Draco asked as soon as Hermione popped into the Leaky Cauldron.

"No effing way in hell," Hermione said cheerfully.

Draco raised his eyebrows. "Yet you're surprisingly upbeat."

"Well, that's because I got a date with Blaise Zabini!" Hermione squealed. "Oh, my gosh, if you saw him the way he was today, you would just completely fall in love with him! He is so handsome now! And so nice!"

"No, thanks. I'm not interested in driving my car on_ that_ side of the road," Draco replied blandly, turning back to his magazine.

"Why don't you like America?" Hermione asked quizzically.

Draco rolled his eyes. "I mean, I'm not interested in becoming gay and started making hot hot love to Blaise Zabini!"

"Well,_ I _am," Hermione muttered.

"Well, you can have him. I don't swing that way and yes – " He held a warning finger. " – that still means I'm not gay!"

"Fine," Hermione sighed, slumping down into her chair. "Wasn't even gonna say it."

OoOoOoO

A/N – I know that this chapter took a LONG time, and it wasn't my best work, but I was strapped for ideas and time. I really need to take time to watch Friends Season 1 in detail!

ShikaInoLub – Yeah, I've kinda always imagined that way also, but I didn't want to disturb the HP canon-verse even more by separating Ron and Ginny. And writing the bad guys is always fun because they're the sarcastic ones! Yay for Draco!

Thanks to abercrombie 18, 'Dark-Independent-Girl-101', Greekchic, RonandMione4Ever, and k!

Please review! Critisism is appreciated!

- Lily in a Pond


	4. The One with the Ring

Pals – Chapter Four, hehe, thanks, jpop whatever person (cough cough) for pointing that out.

By Lily in a Pond

Disclaimer: Since it's _Pals_, it's not _Friends_. Also, since it's by _Lily in a Pond_, it's not by JK Rowling.

OoOoOoO

"Ron, if you want to council with Danielle, you should just do it."

Ron looked at Ginny incredulously. "Gin, she's a lesbian. She's pregnant with my child. She's going to raise the child with her lesbian lover, who just happens to be my _other_ ex-girlfriend, who also happens to live at her apartment. Her apartment is full of the things we used to share, we used to sit on, we used to do it on. Do you really want me to continue the list?"

Ginny raised her eyebrows. "Okay, what do you have against lesbians? You're always saying it like it's a bad thing."

Ron gulped down his pint of Firewhiskey. "Do the letters L-E-S-B-A-I-N-S mean anything to you?"

"Considering that you just spelled, 'lesbains', I'd have to say…no."

"Oh. Never mind, then."

Ginny picked up her purse. "Well, I'm going to go now. Ron, don't drink any more of that stuff, okay? You're going to get completely wasted if you continue doing shots of Firewhiskey. Remember Oktoberfest '99? We don't want a rerun of that episode."

Ron nodded and took of a sip of coffee. "See, all better now?"

Ginny sighed. "When did I become a mother?"

"When you lost your virginity on the coffee table. Remember Oktoberfest '99?" Ron mumbled smartly before passing out, slipping off his chair, and almost hitting the floor before Ginny caught him.

Ginny looked down at the passed-out Ron. "Great. Now I have Ron truly as a child with the mind of a three-year old," she sighed. "Well, considering Ron's current problems with liquor and lesbians, I'm betting that this Oktoberfest isn't going to be much fun."

Luna came whooshing out of the fireplace and headed over to where Ginny was.

"Hey, Luna! Mind lending a helping hand? Thanks!" Ginny quickly Apparated out before Luna could say anything.

Luna looked down at Ron, and then grinned sinisterly. She took out a quill and some ink labeled, "Rita Skeeter's Permanent Ink: Everlasting Ink for Everlasting Words."

"This is going to be fun."

OoOoOoO

Hermione sipped her water. "Halloween's coming up, Harry. You guys going to have a party or something?"

Harry shrugged. "Well, usually we go to the Oktoberfest, but since Marcus and Katrina are going to America to attend the Salem Witch Trials thing, there is no Oktoberfest this year."

"Maybe we could have a party," Hermione suggested. "I mean, we don't need these Marcus and Katrina people to have fun on Halloween."

Harry stared at her. "Marcus and Katrina are the wildest party animals you will have ever seen and they've lived the high life. Marcus has taken all the Spice Girls individually out for dinner and has gotten to at least second base with each one, and is tied in with England's biggest social circles. Katrina was a professional party guest before she married Marcus, and her fee was over twenty thousand per night. 'Mione, these people aren't normal people, they're sent from the almighty party god."

Hermione blinked. "Well. I can see someone's obsessed with learning the history of Marcus and Katrina don't-know-don't-care-about-their-last-name."

"Soren," Harry supplied helpfully.

Hermione stared at him incredulously. "How do you know everything about them?"

He shrugged. "The same way you knew more about me when I first met you."

"Give me a town in England!" Draco snapped at them as he rushed into the room.

"Pourquoi? Pourquoi?" Harry sing-songed.

Draco stared at him. "Okay, first of all, please don't ever speak French again. It sounds horrible coming from your uneducated, un-high-class mouth." As Harry harrumphed, Draco barreled on. "Second, I have to write down all the cities in England in less than seven minutes, so time's a ticking and Draco's a dying!"

"Oh, I've played that before!" Hermione exclaimed. "It made me want to Avada myself," she mumbled in an undertone.

"Exactly!" Harry proclaimed. "See, the point of this game is to reduce overpopulation so countries won't have to worry about hunger issues."

"Just give me a town, and fast!" Draco yelled, looking at the clock. "I've only got two minutes left!"

"Er…Bath?"

"Got that."

"Devon?"

"Got that."

"Oxford?"

"Got it."

"Southampton?"

"Got it."

"Cardiff?"

"Definitely there."

"Er…you wouldn't by any chance have forgotten London, have you?" Harry asked.

"Is the Pope Jewish?" Draco snapped.

Harry threw up his hands. "Hey, there've been rumors!"

"Chelsea!" Hermione shouted out suddenly.

"Got that." Hermione looked crestfallen, and Harry patted her on the arm.

"Nottingham?"

"Got that, too."

"Birmingham?"

"Yes."

"Any ham?" Hermione tried desperately.

Draco looked at her strangely. "We've only got chicken in the fridge, but don't you have food in yours?"

"Never mind," Hermione muttered, just as Harry exclaimed loudly, "Liverpool!"

"Surely you're joking," Draco replied flatly. "The Malfoy family led the great burning of the territory of present-day Liverpool in the Medieval Ages. Did you think I would really forget that?"

Harry shrugged. "It was worth a try."

"You guys are hopeless," Draco yelled as he slammed the door shut.

"God, he is so PMS-y today," Hermione whispered.

"He's like that whenever he's not high," Harry whispered back.

Hermione raised her eyebrows. "Which would be when?"

"Never."

"Oh. That doesn't make sense."

"Your point being?"

"I really don't have anything to say to that."

OoOoOoO

Luna looked up as Harry and Hermione came flying out of the Leaky Cauldron's fireplace.

"Hey, guys!"

"Hey, Luna!" Harry said, but Hermione was staring at something on the floor.

"Oh, do you like what I did to Ronald's face?" Luna asked, smirking.

Hermione stared wordlessly at Ron's now scribbled-over-with-ink face that had profanities and accusations written on it. It was a colossal mess of insults, ink, and insinuations. And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

"Urgh," Harry and Hermione chorused in perfect harmony.

"Seriously, Luna,_ shags Cambrian creatures_?" Hermione said, shaking her head. "Now, that's just plain mean."

"And what about 'Son of a (beep!) (beep!) (beep!) (beep!) who doesn't know that (beep!) (beep!) are (beep!) (beep!) (beep!)!" Harry asked. "I mean, that needs some good fixing up…"

"He's right," Hermione added. "You've got some word tenses wrong."

Harry stared at her. "I was talking about the words themselves."

Hermione frowned. "Well, I wasn't."

Harry shook his head. "Anyways, are you doing anything tonight, Luna?"

Luna shrugged. "It depends on what you mean by 'anything'."

"There's only one explanation for that word," Hermione said. "Wait – " her eyebrows furrowed in thought. " – no," she said after a moment. "That was in Greek."

"…O-kay," Luna commented. "Anyways, I'll be back in my apartment at around eight or so. I've got a date tonight."

Harry sputtered in his freshly brewed coffee. "Only eight? Rather early, don't you think?"

"Well, unlike some people, I don't do it on the first date," Luna said snidely.

"I never did that," Harry replied with a straight face.

Luna held up five fingers. "Lauren Altan. Victoria Cannings. Helena Khisar. Melissa Sch – "

" – Okay, okay, okay, I get it!" Harry shouted. "I have sex on the first date!"

Everyone in the Leaky Cauldron stopped talking and stared at him. "You would think the famous Harry Potter doesn't need to do that," murmured a blonde witch to her friend.

"Hey, shut up!" Harry yelled. "I'm desperate and single! That's a very good combination!"

"Maybe in France," Hermione muttered.

"What about France?" Harry asked after the staring had toned down a bit.

Hermione shrugged. "They're always looking for desperate and single people, especially men."

Harry's eyes lit up. "Then I should move to France! Enjoy the single and desperate life! But where would I live? I heard houses in France are expensive, even for me."

"You can live in my estate," Draco said as he casually walked in and threw his jacket on the couch.

Harry contemplated this. "Living in a Malfoy house. Well, that would certainly be interesting."

"Actually, I take that back. You can't live there," Draco said, after some thought. "The picture of my father would probably wake you up every night by howling and screaming."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot he has a portrait in every room in every Malfoy house," Harry remembered.

Draco's eyes glazed over. "Someday I'm going to be up there with a beautiful blonde by my side. And then we'd make out in every picture."

"Well, you'd better hope the artist captures your golden years, and not your retirement years, because I suspect that you're not going to be a very attractive male when you get older," Hermione said, sipping her coffee.

Draco glared at her and automatically smoothed back his hair. "Well, I know who's _not _going to be next to me in the picture."

"Well, that was obvious, considering that I am a brunette."

"You could always dye your hair."

"But then how would your cute little Malfoy child be platinum blonde-haired?"

Draco stared. "My child is not going to be _cute_," he snarled. "He's going to be stuck-up and self-absorbed, like me," he sniffed arrogantly.

Luna raised her eyebrows. "You are one messed person, Draco. Who wants their child to be stuck-up and self-absorbed? Children like that will turn out hated and kicked out of polite society by the time they're fifteen."

"Story of my life," Draco replied.

The fireplace whooshed and Ginny stepped out, her face as red as the flames would have been if it had been a real fireplace.

"See you later," Harry said quickly, seeing the look on Ginny's face.

Ginny ignored him. "You know who came barging into my kitchen today, Draco?"

Draco's eyes went wide. "My mother?"

Luna and Hermione simultaneously hit him on the arm. "You dolt!" Hermione exclaimed. "She wouldn't be mad if your mother came in, she'd probably be glad her restaurant had upgraded enough for Narcissa Malfoy to come in!"

Ginny pushed Luna and Hermione aside and backed Draco up to a wall. "Amanda Lemmings came in, Draco, that's who!"

Draco's eyes went wide open. "Amanda Lemmings?" he whispered.

"Who's Amanda Lemmings?" Luna asked. Draco and Ginny didn't bother to answer.

"When I told her that I knew you, she immediately gave a bad report to me, and now my job is in jeopardy!" Ginny screeched. "How could you piss Amanda Lemmings off?"

"Okay, judging on how much I know Draco so far, I'm pretty sure that he slept with Amanda and never called her back," Hermione whispered to Luna.

"But _who's_ Amanda Lemmings?"

"Amanda Lemmings is a very prestigious food critic that used to be a model in America," Ginny hissed, sitting down heavily on the couch. "And since Draco never called her back when he invited her over to his apartment, she's apparently angry at anyone associated with him."

Hermione let out a low whistle. "Well, I can't say that you have a nice life."

Ginny's scowl depended even more. "Because of Draco's stupidity!"

"For once, I'm agreeing with you," Draco commented, handing Ginny a glass of pumpkin juice. Ginny pushed him away.

"I'm going to curse you so badly tomorrow morning, you won't even feel _any _part of your body." And with that ominous threat, Ginny jumped to her feet and stomped her way to the door.

"Wait, where are you going?" Luna cried.

"Going to wander aimlessly in the rain and think about how my life is the rear end of a freaking donkey," Ginny replied tersely, slamming the door.

Hermione blinked. "She knows that it's not raining, right?"

Luna shrugged.

A few minutes later, Ginny came back in with a dangerous scowl on her face. "Today is an awful day," she announced. "First, my job is put in jeopardy by the practically anorexic wannabe model named Draco Malfoy, second, I burnt myself trying to make two fried onion quiches at the same time, and now, I can't even have rain to drench my misery in."

As Draco opened his mouth, Ginny snapped, "I'm not listening," at him and tossed the pumpkin juice he was still holding in his face.

Draco blinked. "That's the first time a girl's done that to me."

"Wouldn't be the last time," Ginny muttered.

"Too true," Luna and Hermione chorused.

After a few moments of silence, with Hermione helping Luna do the crossword in the Quibbler, Draco in the men's room cleaning himself up, and Ginny silently fuming, Harry came out of the fireplace. He looked around, saw Ginny's still red, but relatively calm face, and sat down next to her.

"Let me guess. Man troubles."

Ginny's eyes widened and then welled up. "I don't even have a boyfriend to help me get through this!" she wailed between sobs. Hermione glared at Harry.

"Money troubles, then?"

"I don't have money, Harry, I spent my last Galleons on that shoe sale last Saturday!" Ginny screamed as she sobbed harder.

"Oh. Well, then it must be career troubles," Harry reasoned. "But – "

" – You know what?" Luna cut in. "Just stop talking, Harry."

As Harry threw up his hands in defeat, Draco came back from the bathroom and stopped short of the sight of Ginny in tears.

"I thought you were furious, Gin, but not furious enough to cry."

Ginny raised her head and shot a teary, but powerful glare at him. "Actually, I think I'm just going to head back to the bathroom," Draco muttered. "Harry, you coming?" he said pointedly, inclining his head.

As they headed to the back, Ginny's sobs resided. "I_ hate_ boys!" she sympathized. "They are stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, and_ stupid_!"

"That_ is _true," Hermione agreed. As Ginny wiped at her eyes with a tissue, she suddenly started.

"What the - ?"

Ginny looked at Luna. "Luna, why is Ron lying on the floor with……_inappropriate _things written on his face?"

Luna smiled smugly. "I have my reasons."

"Which are?"

Luna shrugged. "Mostly consisting of personal amusement."

"Oi, is there a Hermione Granger in here?" Tom Jr. called. Hermione jumped up.

"If this is about breaking two of your Butterbeer glasses, I swear that was an accident! It's virtually impossible to sit on the counter without knocking a few glasses over! And it wasn't even my fault entirely – "

Tom raised his eyebrows. "No, there's someone in the fireplace who wants to talk with you," he said. "And what about Butterbeer glasses?"

Hermione nervously laughed. "Well, if you didn't know about it…better ignorant than omniscient!"

Luna shook her head. "That girl is headed for trouble if she keeps on doing that."

Ginny looked up. "Since when has Hermione done that before?"

"See, this is exactly the type of thing that she would do, but I, unlike her, am not falling for it, Ginevra Weasley! I, Luna Lovegood, am not Hermione Granger, who would fall for that trick and insidiously prove my own point!" Luna yelled, jumping to her feet.

Ginny stared. "Okay, first of all, calm down. Second, do you even know what 'insidiously' means?"

"Do you?"

"Yes, and I know that you're not using it correctly."

Luna furrowed her brows. "When did you become such an expert on vocabulary?"

Ginny sipped the remains of her pumpkin juice delicately. "I figured that since I'm not very smart, having smart vocabulary would make me seem smart. Smartness isn't just an innate thing for me, you know."

Luna stared and Ginny smirked triumphantly. "I conclude that my diabolical conundrum is working."

Luna shook her head. "Oh, please," she scoffed. "You wouldn't survive a day on the streets with that sort of language."

"And you did?" Ginny asked skeptically.

"Temporarily. It was for a piece that Daddy was doing on homeless shelters."

Ginny knocked over Harry's coffee cup, which was, thankfully, empty. "You what?"

"I need to talk to you about something," Hermione announced, flinging herself onto the couch.

"Go ahead," Ginny said, "don't let my intensive vocabulary block your sinuses and force you to stop talking."

Hermione stared. "Alright…anyways, I just talked to Ian."

Luna and Ginny stared at her in confusion. "Who is he?" Luna asked, as Harry and Draco made their way back from the bathroom.

"Who is he who?" Harry asked, gulping down a mug of coffee.

"Harry, that was there before I got here," Luna slowly said, scrunching up her nose. Harry's face immediately turned an interesting shade of mint green.

Draco pointed his wand at Harry's mouth and muttered,_ "Evanesco." _

"Thank you!" Harry gasped out, sputtering on the table. _"Scourgify! Scourgify! Scourgify!" _he yelled, poking the tip of his wand rather brusquely into his mouth.

"Anyways," Hermione cut in loudly. "Ian was my ex-fiancé, remember? The guy I left at the altar?"

Draco's eyes glazed over. "Oh, yeah…"

"Ian wants my ring back!"

"...And?" Ginny prompted.

Hermione stared blankly at her. "And…that was all. But still, he wanted my ring back! You don't ask your ex-fiancés to give back their engagement rings!"

Ginny, Luna, and Draco exchanged looks. "Well…" Luna started.

"It's not that he's really cheap or anything like that," Draco offered.

"Yes, it's more like a forget-you-forget-me gesture," Ginny finished.

"And it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you dumped him in front of all his friends and family at the wedding altar," Luna added.

Harry weakly pointed a finger at Hermione. "Word."

"So, are you saying that I should give the ring back?" Hermione glared.

Ginny bit her lip. "Er…………yeah."

"WHAT?"

"It's only fair," Draco said, immediately clutching a pillow to his face when Hermione shot a glare in his direction. "I mean, you left him at the altar. Would you want your ring back if you were the one who was left there, humiliated in front of your friends and family?"

"None of my friends were there," Hermione snapped. "And besides, I wouldn't want the ring back because it had touched Ian's hands!"

Ginny looked at Luna. "Actually, she has a point. Why does Ian want the ring back?"

"Ooh!" Harry cried, sitting up. "Maybe it's because he was having a secret affair behind your back and now that you're out of the picture, he wants the ring back so he could propose to 'insert other woman's name here'!"

"That's a good point," Hermione started. "He has three different Gringotts accounts for his gold!"

Draco's eyebrows shot up to his carefully styled blond hair. "Why haven't I heard of him?"

"Because he was too low-key for all your rich people galas and exhibitions," Hermione snapped. "But I don't want to give the ring back, so I'm just going to keep it!"

"Hermione, you know that's not the right thing," Ginny said, leaning forward.

"I know. But since none of you saw the size of that diamond, screw you!" Hermione yelled, making the noisy chatter in the pub stop. "I am going home to take a nice, warm bubble bath and bask in the glow emitting from my beautifully princess cut diamond ring that is about the size of your brains, you blasted gits and she-gits!" And with that, she stormed out of the Leaky Cauldron and slammed the door with a bang.

Harry looked at the crowd that was now staring at the group. "…She's very, very, very, sick," he managed out.

"Yes, she's late for an appointment at St. Mungo's, actually," Ginny added.

"Anyone for coffee?" Draco offered. "No? Then, it's just me, I suppose."

Ginny leaned towards Luna. "If there was ever a time where somebody would just run up and down the street screaming profanities about the government and the Queen, it would be now."

"Agreed."

OoOoOoO

"Hey, Ian? You know that thing you were talking to me earlier about? Well, I gave it a lot of thought and came to a rather comprehensible conclusion. You can just screw that and screw yourself, because I am not giving you your ring back! And I don't care how much it took out of your Gringotts accounts, I'm not giving it back. That's right, you heard me. You can just go and shove the possibility of you getting the ring back right up the you-know-where. I have loved that ring to death ever since you gave it to me, and even though _I_ left _you _at the altar, I'm going to still keep it on my finger, where it belongs. And – BEEP!"

"Hey, it's me again. Your stupid machine cut me off, AGAIN. Anyways, that little band of platinum can stay on my finger for as long as I want, but it's not going anywhere near your house again. That ring was mine, and it's still mine. So – BEEP!"

"Ian, I know you're screening. I just calculated the time my last message took and compared it to the time my other ones took. So, I'm keeping the ring! And there's nothing you can do about it – !"

" – Oh, holy mother of Merlin, Hermione, stop it! Stop leaving me these blasted messages! You can keep the ring, just please, _stop calling me!_"

Hermione smiled as she relaxed in the bathtub and sunk lower into her bubbles. A cordless phone, courtesy of Blasa Zabith and Manny Brockerhertz's branch of Wizarding Wireless, lay flat on the table next to the bathtub.

"Who knew you were so devious, 'Mione?"

OoOoOoO

A/N – Laziness…idleness…lethargy…sluggishness…indolence…all possible candidates for my behavior…

Lunargurl101 – Now that you mention it, I think I may have some unsolved obsession with Ernie Macmillan; he's appeared as a very entertaining character in Once Upon a Hogwarts, I've been told…anyways, thank you!

Forbidden Lily – Really? Wow…thank you!

jPoPlUVr789 – Well, it wasn't that much of a great idea…there's tons more HP characters transforming into Friends characters. And I KNOW!

Additional thanks to 1Malone, Greekchic, and superelle!

I might as well wish you goodbye, since I'm trying to finish OuaH first…but never fear! Once Upon a Hogwarts will only have forty chapters…JUST KIDDING…or am I?

DUN DUN DUN!

- Lily in a Pond


	5. The One with the Poker Face

Pals – Chapter Five

By Lily in a Pond

A/N – I know I haven't updated in a really long time, and I'm very sorry for that. Also, this chapter is kinda…pointless…because nothing really important happens in it.

Anyway, this chapter was actually based on a real Friends episode…for once…I might've remembered subconsciously and used some of the lines, but I haven't watched Season 1 for months, so I have no idea.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, not even me. It's like that 'freedom is not free' thing…

OoOoOoO

Ron looked up from his work. A tiny winged memo, sprouting pink smoke, was whistling gently and heading towards his desk. As the memo approached, the elevator dinged and Harry Potter raced into the Department of the Collection of Ancient Artifacts.

"Ron!" Harry yelled, and sprinted towards him.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ron bellowed as Harry tackled him to the ground.

"_Stupefy!"_ The memo dropped to the floor instantly, and laid there, still whistling softly.

"Inventory made a mistake making the memos; they just informed all of us that the memos sent during the past ten minutes were faulty."

"Why wasn't I informed?" Ron asked, slightly scowling.

"Because you're on the fifth floor, and no one ever goes up here," Harry answered, crushing the memo under his foot. Ron glared at him. "And I couldn't send you a memo about it…for obvious reasons. So Inventory just grabbed the twenty people who were nearest to them in the Atrium and sent them up to inform everyone else; I really had no idea that I was going to your department, so I was just a tad surprised. By the way, your department might actually be the smallest unit; the first, second, third, and fourth floors were _huge_ compared to this."

Ron frowned. "All you stupid data gatherers are stuffed on the bloody third floor…lucky dingbats. Hey, do you happen to know what was written in the memo?"

Harry shook his head. "You're not supposed to open it because that would trigger the attacking of your face."

"Was anyone seriously injured?" Ron asked, grimacing at the thought of memos flying everywhere, attacking innocent bystanders.

"I know that Terry Boot was already sent to St. Mungo's for intensive treatment of the deep welts and cuts on his face and neck; Lisa Turpin tearfully informed me of it in the elevator. I think I saw Arnold Weller on the fifth floor moaning and groaning and spewing all sorts of insults at that poor girl who informed him about the memos just a moment too late. Oh! And I saw Blaise Zabini slowly set fire to the memo on his desk, while grinning like a madman." Harry shook his head. "I know who I'm going to be cautious of tonight."

Ron brightened. "That's right! Tonight is Poker Night, _capital P, capital N_!"

Harry stared at him. "Right…anyway, Ernie Macmillan and Anthony Goldstein are coming as well. They're supplying the alcohol."

Ron wrinkled his nose. "Alcohol is bad for your health – " he started.

" – but we're all going to die anyway, so it's going to be either sooner or later," Harry interrupted.

Ron rolled his eyes, but said nothing and turned back to his paperwork.

OoOoOoO

"Girls' night out tonight," Ginny sang to Luna as she scrubbed the counter. "Are you getting the margarita ingredients?"

Luna held up a plastic bag. "Already got them…and a little bit of tequila, too!"

"A little bit? Luna, there's roughly ten bottles in here!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Well, it's not like I forgot about you guys," Luna answered defensively. "I have more in this bag," she said, holding up another bag full of tequila bottles.

Ginny laughed and stuck three cups in the dishwasher. "Looks like we're having a lot of _fun_ tonight."

"Hang on, explain something to me," Hermione started. "Why are we staying home if it's a girls' night _out_?"

Ginny looked at Luna, and Luna looked at Ginny. "Well…it's fun?" Luna asked. Hermione thought this over and then shrugged.

"Alright. By the way, are you sure I shouldn't bring anything?" Hermione asked. "I could bring some interesting novels over."

"NO!" Ginny and Luna yelled in unison. "Not that your novels are bad or anything," Ginny amended, "but girls' night out is more about having crazy fun, and we feel that getting drunk and watching movies and eating popcorn is the best way."

Hermione shrugged. "What about romance novels? Would those be all right?"

Ginny's eyes lit up. "Do you have 'My Summer in France'? I've been dying to read that for _ages_!"

Hermione nodded fervently. "I haven't even touched the bindings yet!" she whispered in a hushed tone. Ginny squealed loudly.

"It's a _collector's edition_!"

Luna stared amusedly as Hermione and Ginny danced around the kitchen, holding onto each other with glee.

"Will you keep it down?" Draco roared, striding forcefully in the room. "Some people are _trying_ to get their beauty sleep!"

Hermione broke free of Ginny's arms. "You'll need a lot more sleep to be beautiful, Malfoy."

Ginny smirked. "Burn!" she hissed.

Draco stuck his tongue out at the girls in a childish manner. "Just keep it down, alright?" he grumbled, and stalked out. The girls collapsed into giggles.

"You know, Draco still resembles a ferret…" Luna said slyly. A loud crash was heard from the next suite.

"Hey! Keep it down over there!" Ginny yelled, and they erupted in giggles once again, laughing their heads off. Loud cursing could be heard, and a second later, a large jet of red light shot into the apartment and burned a hole in Ginny's wall.

Ginny repaired it with a grin, and shot another spell towards Draco's apartment.

"OW! SON OF A – " Loud moaning was heard. "Why the hell did you have to get me in _that_ spot!"

OoOoOoO

Ron slowly dealt in everyone. Harry shuffled his cards and looked furtively around. Draco fidgeted in his seat and rearranged a card. Ernie Macmillan bit his lip. Dean Thomas made a peculiar noise with his mouth. Seamus Finnegan showed no reaction to his cards, but Justin Finch-Fletchey smirked triumphantly, raising his eyebrows confidently to anyone who dared to look up. Anthony Goldstein scowled. Theodore Nott blinked in surprise, but he returned to an expressionless face a second later. Blaise Zabini leaned back and smiled a content smile. Neville Longbottom groaned loudly.

"I'm out," he mumbled, throwing his cards down.

"Me, too," Ernie said.

Ron lowered his voice to an eerie whisper and said, "Well, gentlemen…you may start the betting."

OoOoOoO

"Oh, my god!" Ginny bawled. "This movie is so heartwarming!" Hermione nodded and sniffed wetly into a tissue.

Luna stared at the two. "What is wrong with you two? It's not _that _sad…"

Hermione and Ginny stared at her in horror. "_Not that sad? _Do you have any idea how emotional this movie is? Don't you care about Jack? Have you no heart? Only a heartless woman would not despair over the death of Jack!"

Luna wrinkled her nose. "I care about Jack, I just don't really see why you two are sobbing about this."

Ginny smacked the television loudly. "Jack and Rose had a love like no other, and it was separated by the icy waters of the Atlantic! They could've had a wonderful future together, but then Jack had to do the heroic thing and sacrifice his life so that Rose could live! Is that anything _but_ saddening?"

"You know, I thought girls' night out was supposed to be fun. So why did we rent _Titanic_?"

Hermione blew her nose. "It's because it's the greatest movie ever maaaaaaaaaaade!" she bawled, dissolving into a fresh burst of tears as Rose, on-screen, said, "Dawson. Rose Dawson."

"Touching," Luna replied dryly.

OoOoOoO

"Flush," Ron said triumphantly. Harry's smirk faded.

"Same."

"Pair of queens," Draco groaned, and everyone else looked at Justin expectantly.

"In your faces, gits. _Royal Flush_."

OoOoOoO

"Hold on, but don't hold too tight, let go, it's gonna be all right," Ginny sang, off-tune, as she rinsed the margarita glasses. The trio was now into their fourth round of alcoholic drinks and the glasses were starting to pile up on Ginny's coffee table.

"Don't run away from what your heart is saying," Hermione joined in, leaning over on the counter.

Luna smacked the shiny marble counter drunkenly. "Be strong, face what you're afraid of – "

" – Come on, show them what you're made of!"

" – I know it's hard when your hope is gone, but you gotta keep – "

" – HOLDING ON!" the three finished, in a screeching mixture of two mezzo-sopranos and a soprano.

OoOoOoO

"I see your twenty sickles, and raise it by…ten," Harry said carefully, dropping the amount onto the small pile of coins.

"I raise it by five galleons," Draco said confidently, evoking wolf-whistles from the men.

"I'll just raise it by five sickles, considering I just recently lost money to a certain badger…" Ron glared.

"It's all in the cards, baby," Justin returned, not glancing up. "Anyways, I raise by ten sickles."

"Alright everyone," Harry announced. "Last chance to fold."

Silence followed.

Harry's eyes glittered. "Now. We reveal."

OoOoOoO

"We've watched Titanic, made margaritas, played Scrabble and Clue, made more margaritas, and prank-called a bunch of people from Hogwarts," Hermione said, ticking them off on her fingers. "What should we do next?"

"We could play that cities game Draco's always obsessed about," Luna suggested, swaying slightly as she made her way across the room with a fresh round of margaritas.

"We could do that. Or," Ginny smirked, eyes sparkling, "we could crash the boys' poker night."

Luna and Hermione smirked in unison. "Let's go."

OoOoOoO

"Pair of aces."

"Flush."

"Full House."

"High card."

"Pair of eights."

"Flush."

As everyone waited for Ron to reveal his cards, the door came crashing down on the unsuspecting wizards.

"What the -?"

"Hey, you're playing poker!" Ginny yelled. "Isn't poker the bestest game ever, Luna?"

Luna tripped and giggled insanely. "There's no need to answer that!"

Hermione stepped over Luna's convulsing body and frowned at the sight in Ron's apartment. "Look at you, playing poker at _three_ in the morning! Shame!"

"Speak for yourself!" Harry retorted. "At least we're not _drunk_!"

"Actually, at the rate we're going through the beer, we might as well be drunk in an hour. Isn't that amazing?" Ernie Macmillan piped up in a high-pitched voice. He immediately sobered. "I think I'm drunk already…"

Hermione stared at him bitterly. "You better be drunk, Macmillan, because I am going to kick your arse later!"

"What'd he do?" Justin Finch-Fletchey asked.

"Oh, don't worry; I'm not going to beat up your boyfriend," Hermione dismissed. Justin's face turned a cherry red. "I'm just going to shoot a wide variety of quite rare and suspiciously unknown hexes that, by the way, are found in the _Restricted Section_ of the Hogwarts library. I'm sure Ernie has wandered in there a few times; now I'm just giving him a chance to become…shall we put it, more _familiarized_ with them."

Theodore Nott stared at her uneasily. "Is that how I ended up in the Forbidden Forest without any memories of the past month in seventh year?"

"I'm not telling! By the way, how were the centaurs?" Hermione cackled, slapping the table and making the men distance themselves at least five feet from her.

"Drunk Hermione is scary," Ron whispered to Draco.

Harry groaned, interrupting the stream of noisy cackling. "Hey, are you three going to leave in the near future? You're interrupting the game."

"We're not leaving!" Ginny proclaimed enthusiastically, punching the air with her fist. "We're staying!"

"So that means we're playing poker with you," Draco stated. Hermione nodded. "Excellent!" he exclaimed. "Suckering money out of the girls is going to be so fun!" he grinned, giggling like a little child who has just finished his seventh piece of chocolate.

Blaise Zabini furrowed his brows. "Do you guys even know how to play poker? I don't want to take money from people who have no idea what they're getting themselves into."

Draco gasped dramatically. "Blaise Zabini! How dare you say that! Have you forgotten all those years of Slytherin pride? _Well?_ _HAVE YOU?"_ he bellowed, showering everyone within a five-mile radius with spittle.

Blaise calmly wiped his face. "No, I've just gained somewhat of a conscience."

"And that is why I'm going out with him and not you, ferret," Hermione said smugly.

Draco made an odd noise that soundly like 'hn!' "Like I want to be with you. Anyways, you guys can get in on the next round. This one's almost finished."

"Alright!" Luna cheered. "This party is finally getting started!"

"It's not a party," Harry said indifferently, looking at Ron impatiently.

"If I call Liana, yeah it is!" Ginny yelled enthusiastically, slapping Draco on the back. Draco moaned.

"C'mon men, let's finish this round and get it over with."

Ten minutes later…

"Hey, Gin, toss me the jack of spades," Hermione called, swinging back another margarita.

"Sure. Do you have the Ace of Diamonds?"

"Oh, I have it!" Luna exclaimed. "Here," she said, oblivious of the others' stares.

Draco blinked. "Er…"

Wrinkles appeared on Harry's forehead. "Actually…"

"You see, the thing is," Ron began uncomfortably.

"YOU CAN'T TRADE CARDS!" the three exploded in unison.

The girls paid no attention. "I win!" Hermione shrieked, proudly displaying three jacks.

Draco's jaw dropped. "How the hell do you luck into getting three of a kind?"

"I win, too!" Ginny exclaimed, throwing her cards triumphantly on the coffee table covered with margarita glasses.

"You've got an ace of diamonds, an eight, and a two," Ron observed. "That doesn't put you in a really good position to win, considering that _the betting hasn't even started!_"

"I'm not going to even bother berating you about raising and folding," Harry muttered.

"Oh, who rules!" Luna yelled. "I have seven aces!"

Harry stared at her. "…Never mind, there's an extremely drunk girl over here who obviously has no eyes or common sense."

"Anyway, can we just get this game started?" Ron asked impatiently. "Bloody girls," he muttered under his breath.

"That means you, Justin. You're the dealer," Harry reminded the slightly blank-eyed man. Justin started.

"Oh! Right…let's get the betting started."

OoOoOoO

"How the hell did I lose to a bunch of girls who have never played poker before?" Draco wailed, throwing his cards dramatically across the room.

Harry stared in disbelief at the cards held by a smugly grinning Ginny. "You must have cheated," he accused. Ginny smirked.

"Face it, Harry. Girls are just better than boys."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Not this debate again…"

Hermione whirled around the face Ron. "What, are you siding with us?"

"I'm no siding with any party; I just want to play poker, but _no_, you three have to interrupt our game, _drunk_, and spoil what was supposed to be a fun night!"

Luna blinked. "Well, be glad we didn't trump your arses spectacularly." Harry opened his mouth to say something, most likely offensive and violating the T rating, but he was interrupted by Ernie.

"Ante up, people," Ernie Macmillan cut in. "I actually want to have a chance at winning this round."

"Are you sure you aren't cheating?" Harry asked Ginny, who was avidly drinking an apple martini.

"If I was cheating, I wouldn't be able cheat well," Ginny murmured between sips of the lime green drink. 'You really think I'd be able to cheat successfully under the major influence of alcohol and roughly ten hawk-eyed guys watching me?"

"Well, you can't be that drunk; you can still speak intelligently and you're not slurring your words that bad."

Ginny grinned, placing the glass carefully in the sink. "Let's just say I can handle my liquor very well. Luna, on the other hand, can't," she pointed to the blonde girl who was inching steadily closer to Neville Longbottom, smiling seductively.

Harry snorted. "They're in for a surprise when they wake up to each other in the morning."

"Wouldn't be the first time," Ginny muttered, pouring the last drop of vodka out of an almost-empty bottle, and onto her tongue.

Harry suddenly felt as though his throat was closing as he watched her tongue snake out and lick away the last drop of alcohol. "Er…Gin…?"

"Hmm?"

Harry felt his face grow red. "…Never mind. Maybe _I'm_ the one who's drunk," he muttered to himself.

"Oi! Flirty boy, let's play!" Ron yelled, gesturing wildly to him. Harry took one last look at Ginny, gulped, and quickly sat down again at the table.

OoOoOoO

Ginny moaned as she dragged herself out of bed and into the bathroom. She did not like the puffy-eyed, sickly-pale, and frizzy-haired version of Ginny Weasley she saw in the mirror.

"I hate alcohol," she grumbled as she turned on the shower.

OoOoOoO

"Why did we have to drink so much yesterday?" Harry moaned, burying his head in his hands. "I thought margaritas were supposed to be fun and exciting, not cause misery and insufferable pain…"

"You're not the only one dying here, mate," Draco snapped, pouring himself a glass of orange juice. "Some other people are also writhing in agony and wishing they never met three Furies named Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Luna Lovegood."

"I wish I never knew alcohol," Ron mumbled from the couch, his voice muffled by the plaid cushions.

Luna Apparated into the kitchen. "Here," she said, tossing each of the men a small, round pill, "you look severely hung-over. Swallow and don't drink any liquids for ten minutes."

"Don't you have a hangover, Luna?" Harry asked, lifting his head up an inch and picking up the pill. Luna stared at him.

"I'm not even answering that question."

Ginny entered the kitchen. "Hey, are those the hangover pills you imported illegally from France?" she asked excitedly, bouncing on the soles of her feet, headache seemingly forgotten. "Give me one!"

Luna shot her a glare. "_Illegally _imported," she snapped, but tossed Ginny a pill anyway.

"Blimey…this pill is a miracle," Draco breathed, blinking profusely. "No wonder they're illegal."

"Now that everyone knows they're illegal, can we drop it before Hermione comes in and sees us discussing illegal products. She's going to chew my head off if she finds out," Luna explained.

They nodded.

"Good," Luna said, and disappeared into Ginny's bedroom.

"Er, I hate to be a pest, but what the hell are you doing?" Ginny asked.

"I left something here the day before yesterday," Luna called. The shattering of glass and loud crashes and thumps were heard before Luna emerged from Ginny's room, smiling triumphantly. "Found it!"

"A _condom_?" Draco asked disbelievingly. "If you wanted one so badly, you should've just went into my room and opened your eyes!"

Harry snorted. "Why would you have a condom with you on a Friday? My god, and it was even a national holiday!" he said, his face twisted in exaggeration. "Come on, really, the government's resting and peace is on Earth and all that crap, but there you are, in Ginny's apartment, with a condom, thinking about getting lucky! "

Luna glared at him. "Well, I didn't get lucky because I didn't have a condom and neither did he."

"Speaking of which, is who?" Ginny pressed. Luna blushed.

"I don't want to say," she mumbled.

Draco raised his eyebrows. "Well, he's obviously a bad sort, because he didn't have a condom, since he thought you were going to have one. He's completely codependent on you!"

Ron nodded in agreement. "You never want to associate with those types of men…wussies."

"Like you're not one of them," Ginny mumbled. Ron stared daggers at her. "Anyway, continue, Luna."

"There's nothing to continue!" she exclaimed. "It was a dead end from the start!" And before anyone could question her further, she smiled mischievously and said, "Well, I'll be off now. Ta-ta!"

Ginny pouted. "She never includes us in her dirty gossip nowadays." Harry, Ron, and Draco nodded and scowled.

"I think she has problems with trusting us," Harry growled.

"Good morning, everyone!" Hermione sang as she practically skipped into the kitchen with a bathrobe on and a towel wrapped around her head.

"It's _not _a good morning," they chorused vehemently. Hermione blinked.

"Well, you wouldn't happen to have woken up on the wrong side of the waterbed now, would you?"

"Hermione, do you know who Luna's dating?" Ron asked, cutting into his pancakes.

"Zacharias Smith," Hermione answered promptly, lugging a gallon of milk out of the refrigerator.

Ron spit out his coffee. "The Hufflepuff hot dog?"

Hermione looked surprised "I had no idea you still call him that, but yes, him."

Draco opened his mouth, and closed it a moment later. "What. The. Hell."

"Who in their right mind would date Zacharias Smith and even go so low as to sleep with him?" Harry ranted angrily. "He's a freaking Hufflepuff loser!"

Hermione shrugged. "He must have some redeeming qualities, or else Luna wouldn't go out with him. She's going out with him again tonight. I think they're going to that cute little bistro down by Dooley Street."

Harry took a deep breath_. "Silencio!"_ Ron shouted, a split second before Harry opened his mouth.

"Every time Harry takes a deep breath and suddenly opens his mouth, ninety-nine out of one hundred times swear words are going to come out," he explained. "And they are such complicated streams of sentences that your cheeks will be tomato red by the time he's done with his first set! And that's only the beginning. The second set is _much _worse."

"No one's ever heard the third set, though," Draco chimed in. "I think we were too afraid."

Hermione and Ginny took a closer look at Harry. His pupils were dilated, his mouth was opening and closing without sound continuously and occasionally the hand motions would appear.

Ginny grimaced. "He's gone."

"Anyway," Draco cut in. "Is anyone interested to hear that I've scored a job at _Chic_ magazine?"

Hermione snorted. "What are you? The coffee maker's assistant's assistant's assistant?"

Draco scowled. "No…I actually get paid this time. I am," he paused for drama, "a junior photographer!"

They blinked. "Isn't that a job for people under twenty?" Ron asked, suppressing a grin. Draco glared at them, and stomped out of the room, shouting,

"You'll see! Just you (beep beep beep) wait! Someday, I'll be a great runway model and you'll all just have to suck it up outside the show! Just you wait!"

As the door slammed behind him, Ginny casually poured herself a cup of orange juice and remarked, "So…d'you think he's going to make it?"

"Nah," Ron said without looking up from his newspaper. "He'll going to give up and go to his true calling…as a _stockbroker."_

Hermione grinned. "Really random, but I think his best bet is a _hobo doctor_."

Ginny choked on her drink. "Oh, my god! I just had the image!"

OoOoOoO

A/N – Sucky, but yeah…I really have no more excuses left. Once again, I am very sorry for the delay!

Thanks to the people who reviewed!

Oh, and yes, this story IS going somewhere. It just follows the_ Friends _plotline and all that. So, yes, that technically counts as a plot.

…I hope.

Please review!

- Lily in a Pond


	6. The One with Ron's Obviousness

Pals - Chapter Six

By Lily in a Pond

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Friends.

A/N - This chapter wraps up about three episodes in the first seasons of Friends, so this is actually relevant to the plot.

----------

It was a bright, sunny, September afternoon in London, England. The weather was perfect for a picnic in the park, a boating adventure, or even a hot-air balloon ride. There was a wonderful breeze sailing around and the air was sweet with the scent of flowers. However, Ron, Draco, and Harry were cooped up in the dark, dim room of the Leaky Cauldron, a bottle of Firewhiskey making its way 'round the table.

"So, Ron, why did you call us all to this emergency man-to-man meeting?" Harry asked, loosening his bottle green tie.

"Remember when we were in Hogwarts?" Ron asked. Harry and Draco nodded slowly.

"Remember Hermione?"

Once again, they nodded.

"Well, I kind of had a crush on her then."

"……_NO! _Wow, I did not know that," Harry said sarcastically.

Ron frowned. "I'm serious about this."

Draco rolled his eyes. "I still don't understand why - she was a bookworm, she had that horrible frizzy hair, and she was _short_!"

Harry's eyebrows furrowed. "What are you talking about? Hermione's still all those things"

"Yes, but the difference is that she now has curves, which makes the shortness excusable, which then makes the hair excusable, which then makes her little reading problem….not a problem!"

"Hermione was never short," said Ron defensively. "Five feet seven inches is not a short height."

"Unless you're comparing it to your height?" Harry asked.

"What did you think I was doing?" Draco asked. "Anyway, why did you call a meeting about this, Ron? Is something going on between you two?" he cooed, channeling Rita Skeeter.

"Well…I just wanted to ask you if you all don't like Blaise," Ron said, the tips of his ears flushing red.

'Jealous, now are we?" Draco smirked. "But, no, I don't hate Blaise, but I definitely dislike him. He's an annoying little prat, and more importantly, I lost a game of Hide-and-Seek to him when we were children."

"So what you're saying is that when you're being angelic and innocent, you lose?" Ron asked. "Well, that does provide a good explanation of why you're so evil now. How about you, Harry? You hate Zabini? Please tell me you hate him," he muttered, crossing his fingers.

Harry shrugged. "I have no reason to hate him; after all, _I _don't have a crush on Hermione," he teased.

"I don't have a crush on Hermione! I said I had a crush on her _years ago_!" Ron yelled.

Draco and Harry smirked in unison. "Now all of Muggle London knows that you _luuuuurve_ her," they said at the same time. Ron rolled his eyes.

"I'm going to get a muffin," Harry said, standing up and taking his wallet out. "Anyone else want anything?"

"Actually, I want a blueberry scone - " Draco started to say.

"I was trying to be polite," Harry interrupted. "If you want to be an international model, Draco, stand up and walk over there to get your bleedin' muffin. Who knows, you might lose ten pounds while you're at it," he finished, smirking, as Draco immediately dashed to the counter. "And get me a raisin muffin!" he yelled.

----------

Ginny and Luna whistled appreciatively as Hermione stepped out of her bedroom wearing a revealing navy dress that clung tightly to her body.

"Where're you going, pretty lady?" Ginny teased.

Hermione blushed and crossed the room to the couch. "I'm going on a date with Blaise tonight," she said, picking up her purse, "and I want it to be absolutely perfect. I spent seventy-five galleons on this little blue number, and judging by your reactions, it was definitely worth it."

"Fifth date tonight, eh? Have you have the intercourse yet?" Harry joked.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Harry, your level of vulgarity always surprises me by getting higher and higher."

"Well, I _am _Harry Potter," he replied, smirking. "I am vulgar, obscene, and incredibly sexual."

Draco snorted into his pumpkin juice. "Cheers at the last one," he choked out, wiping his face off with a napkin Luna handed him. "No, really," he continued, "Harry isn't sexual in any way! You would think that being _Harry Potter_, the girls would be coming in flocks, but no, once he opens his mouth, they flock away! To me," he added as an afterthought.

"Aw, I'm sure there's _someone _out there who likes you," Ginny said comfortingly. Harry glared at her.

"Thanks," he said flatly. "So, will _you_ marry me?"

"Ew, _no_," Ginny laughed. Harry threw up his hands in frustration.

Ding. _Dong. Ding. _Dong.

"OHMIGOD, IT'S BLAISE, HE'S HERE, HE'S HERE, HE'S HERE!" Hermione squealed, jumping up and down. "Quick, Ginny, open the door and tell him I'm be in here in a moment!" she yelled, sprinting back across the room in her high heels.

"After years of relationships, I still don't understand why girls do that," Ron said. "Why do they run off and hide in their rooms if they're already ready for the date?"

Luna sighed and flopped down next to Ron on the couch. "Picture this. You enter the room and see your date sitting at the table, reading a magazine. Clearly, she's ready for the date, and what's more important, it looks like she's been there for a long time, correct? Doesn't that seem a little desperate to you?"

"Yes," Harry and Draco replied at the same time as Ron said, "No."

The three stared at him. "Well, I guess this is why the only women that go out with you are lesbians," Draco said.

"To put it nicely, you're relationship retarded," Harry added.

Ron glared at them. "You two are mean, mean little boys."

"Hello, Blaise," Hermione said, leaning into the tall man for a kiss. "I'll see you later!" she called as she closed the door.

"Bye-bye, Hermione, have a good night!" Ron returned gaily. "Bastard!" he added vehemently as soon as she closed the door.

"Now, now, Ronniekins, there's no need to get overly jealous," Harry smirked. "It's _only _Hermione…"

Ron squinted at Harry. "Only Hermione?"

"Only Hermione," Harry repeated. "Unless...could it be possible ickle Ronniekins_ still_ has a crush on our short, frizzy-haired, bookworm?"

"…You are not tricking me into admitting anything," Ron retorted. "Anyway, I have to go now. Lavender and Parvati want me to go to the doctor's office with them," he blanched.

"I thought you already said you weren't homophobic." Ginny said.

Ron sighed. "I'm not homophobic, I just don't like seeing two of my exes find lesbian love in each other."

"That sounds pretty homophobic to me."

Ron glared at her. "Well, goodbye, Miss Active Participant in the Gay Parade," he growled and slammed the door rudely in Ginny's face.

"Well, with Ron and Hermione gone, all the fun's gone," Luna complained. Harry rolled his eyes, folded up his newspaper, and bounded up to the kitchen table.

"Enough about Ron and Hermione, you guys! What is up with _you_?"

"Well...my massage clients are starting to give me smaller tips," Luna said after an awkward pause.

Ginny nodded. "The patrons at Le Grand Fromage are doing that, too. Maybe people are getting paid less? Stocks dropping?"

"Negative," said Harry. "Stocks are actually going up, according to the data we have this month."

"Ah," Ginny said.

They all turned to look at Draco.

"What? I don't have anything to contribute to the discussion about your boring lives. I only have exciting things to share," Draco said mysteriously.

"Care to elaborate?" Luna asked.

Draco shrugged. "...Nope."

After a minute's pause, Draco snapped. "Alright, fine! I made eight hundred Galleons in three days of my job, _and_ I got to sleep with the porn models! There were _five_ of them," he said seriously.

Ginny cackled pervertedly. "So that's why you're looking so pleased in the mornings this week! You've been having a little bit of fun during the past nights!"

"You are so lucky," Harry said bitterly. "You're supposed to be the errand-boy and you snag five girls during the first three days of your job! Meanwhile, I'm a wall away from the charming girls in Marketing and they're all off-limits, division rules!"

"That really is sad, Harry," Ginny said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Why don't you try someone from Law Enforcement?"

"No, they're too tough," Harry moaned as he sank into her arms. "I want a girl who'll hold me tight and NOT punch me at the same time!"

Draco patted his back. "Nice one, mate...great way to show the masculinity."

----------

At precisely two thirty-three in the afternoon, Hermione Granger sailed through the doors of the Leaky Cauldron clutching a bulky book and practically skipping as she bounced excitedly on the balls of her feet.

"Look, look, look! Look what Blaise sent me today at work!" she gushed, waving the aged book in front of Ginny, Harry, and Draco's eyes.

Ginny blinked. "…………It's a book."

"A very old book," Draco added.

Hermione was hopping up and down with excitement. "It's not just any book, it's the original copy of Machiavelli's _The Prince_! This book is nearly impossible to get! It used to belong in the Italian royal family until only a few years ago!"

"Well, this must've cost him a hefty sum," Harry commented, stroking the browned leather bindings. Hermione snatched it away from his fingers.

"No touching!" she snapped. "This book is like a baby to me," she cooed, holding it close to her body. "I will never let it be broken or ripped or damaged in any way, I swear! This book is my treasure!"

Draco's eyes followed Hermione rub, fondle, and hold the book against her chest. "I really, really, _really _want to be that book right now."

Ginny smacked him upside the head. "Pervert. Hey, Hermione, you want to read us an excerpt or something? We're all bored here."

"Don't you guys have jobs?" Hermione asked, checking her watch.

"…Well, it's two-thirty, nobody's eating lunch or dinner at the restaurant," Ginny reasoned.

"Yeah, and I'm an errand-boy. Sugar Cookie Gallworth's sandwich shouldn't be ready anytime soon," Draco said, visibly grimacing as he said the words 'Sugar Cookie.'

"And I……well, I've been playing hooky for three years, and I still get paid," Harry shrugged.

Hermione looked unconvinced. "Alright…"

"What about you? You're not at the Ministry," Draco said. "Ooh," he began, a flicker of humor rising in his eyes. "You've been a naughty, naughty girl, Hermione. Skipping work to go to a _pub_……why, you ought to be punished." He licked his lips.

Hermione stared at him. "You seem a little hornier than usual, Fang."

Draco hastily wiped off the drool that was slowly trickling down his chin. "Heh, sorry. The girl I had over last night was so bad - you wouldn't even believe she appears on Playwizard ads." He winked at the girls. "Gin, 'Mione, want to help me with my, ah, burden?" .

"No, you sex addict!" Ginny snapped.

Surprisingly, Hermione looked interested. "Well, that'd be alright since I'd be shagging two former Slytherins at the same time. Might as well throw Theodore Nott in and set a world record," she grinned.

"That's the spirit!" Draco cheered.

Hermione looked at her watch again and cursed softly. "Damn, I have to go now; Alicia Spinnet is going to chew my head off if she finds out that I skipped work to go to a _pub_," she said, reiterating Draco's words. "Ginny, don't forgot about our dinner plans with Luna!" she yelled as she stepped into the fireplace and Flooed away.

A f few minutes after Hermione disappeared, Luna Apparated right on top of the couch.

"You will never believe what just happened!" she yelled, throwing her bag on the floor and sitting down heavily on the orange couch.

"Did you get an ancient book, too?" Harry joked.

"No!" Luna retorted hotly. "Blaise Zabini just attempted to molest me!"

The three gasped.

"That's awful!" Ginny exclaimed. "Why would he do that to her? Oh, he is a dead man!" She cracked her knuckles, glaring into the distance.

"H - how did it happen?" Harry stammered. "Did he just - you know - grope you in the middle of the street? Did Hermione _see_?!"

"Ron is going to have a field day about this," Draco muttered, massaging his temples. "What happened?"

Ten minutes ago…

"_Luna! Hello!" Blaise Zabini cheerily greeted her as he stepped into the airy room. "I'm here for my appointment." _

"_Oh, hi, Blaise," Luna replied, lighting some incense candles. _

"_Ooh, setting the mood, aren't we?" he laughed. Luna giggled. _

"_I guess you could say that. Alright, are you ready?"_

_Blaise threw his shirt in a corner. "Now I am."_

_Luna turned around to hide her squeal. Blaise's chest was so well-defined, with tight muscles and - _

"Luna. We don't need a sex scene here," Draco said seriously. "Get on with the story."

"_I'll start massaging you now," Luna said. She applied some pressure to her fingertips. "Does that feel good?"  
_

_Blaise smirked. "Oh, yeah…that feels good," he drawled. Luna raised her eyebrows at his tone of voice. _

"_Er…alright……so, Blaise, tell me about yourself - mother of pearl, what the hell are you doing?!" Luna shrieked as she felt a pair of hands caressing her bottom. She jumped away from him._

"_You - you - leech! You're supposed to be dating Hermione!" _

"_So?" Blaise grinned, lifting the sheet up, exposing _(rated R, folks...)._ Luna gulped and looked away, biting her lip._

"And then I slapped him and told him to get out," Luna finished.

Harry winced. "So I guess Hermione's not going out with Blaise anymore."

"I know he couldn't change," Draco growled. "That man-whore of a snake is still using his old tricks. Blaise is getting a pounding. A big one," he snarled vehemently, glaring at his coffee.

Ginny shook her head. "I just…I just don't understand. Blaise seemed like such a nice man. I - I never thought he would do a…a bastardly thing like that!"

Luna sighed. "But the most important question is, should we tell Hermione? I mean, we can just pretend like nothing ever happened and Hermione wouldn't be the wiser and no one would get hurt."

"Yes, but she'll find out eventually," Draco countered. "Blaise Zabini talks, and he has a lot of friends who also talk."

"That's true," Harry mused. "But then, are we sure she'll believe us? Maybe she'll think you're jealous or something, Luna."

Ginny shook her head. "No, we should just tell her. It's going to be really hard keeping this from her, and we can't just let Hermione keep on living her life without knowing her boyfriend hit on her best friend. And who knows, Blaise could do it again. We should nip this in the bud."

Harry and Draco nodded.

"Well, I suppose so. But I don't want to see the look on her face when I tell her. I know she's going to be so crushed," Luna said softly.

Draco sighed. "…I think we all are. This was the first relationship that Hermione's had ever since she left Ian at the altar, and it turned out like this." He sighed again. "Someone has to tell Ron…he's going to be rather excited about this."

"Why?" Luna asked curiosity.

"Ron had a huge crush on Hermione when we were at Hogwarts. I think those feelings came back when Hermione moved in," Ginny explained.

The door opened and Ron came in. "Hi," he said. "What are you guys sitting around here, cooped up on a Thursday afternoon?"

They slowly turned around to face him. "Ron…Blaise hit on Luna just now," Harry said quietly.

Ron was silent.

"You don't have to input your opinion about this," Ginny said, "but we'd like to tell Hermione together."

Ron nodded, still staring off into space. "…Yeah….we'll tell her…I can't believe that bastard did that to her."

The fire suddenly turned green and Hermione came bounding out. "Look, look, look! I unwrapped it and it had the sweetest note inside! It said - "

"Um, Hermione," Ginny said softly. "We have something to tell you."

Hermione looked startled. "Did Lamont die? Again? Because that would be very confusing, regarding the serious expressions on your faces - no offense, Ron." (Lamont was Ron's oversized Krup hybrid, resembling Crookshanks with its squashed-in face and slightly bowled legs. Lamont was a pale gray in color and quite large. They all hated Lamont; he shed fur everywhere, ripped Ginny's dresses to shreds, and was constantly impregnating random kitties on the streets.)

Ginny shook her head. "It's………it's about Blaise."

"Alright…"

"He……….he….he hasn't been faithful to you," Harry said quietly, looking down.

Luna nodded. "Today, he tried to grope me during his massage appointment. I'm - I'm so sorry, Hermione," Luna grasped Hermione's hand. Hermione shrugged.

"It - it doesn't matter. I mean, I got this really special book out of it and - and it was just a fling. Just a fling. Nothing special. It wasn't supposed to even last this long, anyway…" Hermione said, her voice sounding slightly choked. She sighed. "You know what, I'm just going to go home now. I'll see you guys later."

"Wait!" Ron said, jumping to his feet. "Hermione, you're too good for Blaise. I mean, you're smart and pretty and funny and you have a great personality! Blaise - Blaise is stupid and ugly - " Hermione rolled her eyes at that. " - and _stupid_ and ignorant of feelings and _stupid _and careless and _stupid_ and cocky and _stupid _and bigoted and just plain _stupid_! You deserve someone who can give you everything in the world…" he trailed off, blushing slightly.

Hermione smiled sadly. "Thank you, Ron. But I think I'm going to go home now. I - I need to be with myself for a little while."

As they watched her disappear through the fire, Ron sat down heavily on the couch. "Well - "

"I guess this ends one chapter of Hermione's life," Harry said.

"But another chapter is just beginning," Luna said.

Draco looked at Ron. "I have a feeling that chapter is going to be called Ron," he smiled. "Come on, go for her. It's the perfect time."

"Yeah, what could be more perfect?" Harry said. "She's depressed, you're going to cheer her up, she'll think of you as the perfect man in comparison to Blaise, and ka-ching, there you go! Bye-bye Blaise, hello Ron!"

Ron shook his head. "I don't like the idea of taking advantage of Hermione's current vulnerability. It just seems so…………wrong. If I want to be with Hermione……I want to be the real thing, not just some rebound romance."

Ginny nodded. "I think that's a very smart decision."

Draco stared incredulously at her. "Gin, that's the crappiest decision I've ever heard! If he goes to her tonight, he'll be solidified as the perfect boyfriend!"

"He won't."

"Oho, I think he will," Draco smirked.

"He won't!"

"He will!"

"He won't!"

"He will!"

"He - "

" - Is gone," Luna cut in.

Ginny and Draco looked at the empty spot where Ron had been sitting. "Oh."

----------

Ginny and Luna had canceled their dinner plans with Hermione, as she had plainly stated to them earlier that she did not felt like going anywhere. But Hermione had insisted that they go out anyway, without her.

"Are you going to be okay?" Luna asked worriedly.

"I'll be fine……I just need some alone time," Hermione said, trying to smile. "You guys go to that Italian restaurant, go and have fun eating tiramisu and fettucini."

"Are you sure?" Ginny asked, smoothing down Hermione's hair.

"Yeah, yeah, go! Have some fun! I'll be all right," Hermione said. As the girls gave her one last worried look and then left, Hermione sank down on the couch and buried her head in the pillows.

She wasn't sure when it happened, but she knew that sometime afterwards she had drifted off on the couch and someone had came in and placed a warm blanket gently over her. Though she couldn't see him, for some reason Hermione knew instinctively it was Ron and not Harry or Draco. She could smell the familiar soap he used, she felt his calloused hands, and she simply _knew_ it was him. She sighed happily as he laid the blanket over her.

"Ron………you're such a good friend."

The door closed behind her moments later as Ron stepped out into the hallway. "Hermione..." he whispered to the stone wall. "You have no idea how much I love you."

----------

A/N - Thanks to my reviewers!

I am really sorry about the delay - I had actually finished writing the chapter and had submitted it to in August, but then school started and everything got complicated again. So, please take the time to make a comment if you noticed anything weird because I edited this very fast. (read: not at all :D)

- Lily in a Pond


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